Pizza Hut Wants To Kill You

Why are Americans so fat? Because of things like the new Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust pizza. What is that, you say? It's a large pizza with giant cheese stuffed pockets all around the crust. This isn't the cheese stuffed crust from the 90's with a thin layer of string cheese. This is a giant dairy turd. Why does Pizza Hut hate its customers so much? If you eat this thing you've given up on life. You've decided that your organs can no longer function without the lubrication of 2 cups of grease. Was there really a call for this? Were the morbidly obese hobbling over to their laptops and typing with their pudgy sausage fingers to request even more cheese in their pizzas? I think not. I'm pretty sure this is a foreign plot to make us weak and fat for easy invasion.

I'm not sure who exactly is behind it. Maybe Iran? North Korea? The Illuminati? Communists? Presbyterians? I don't know. What I do know is that if you want to commit suicide head over to the hut. This thing will make your heart explode.