bill-swift - August 13, 2013
Hold on to your butts, gentlemen. This is almost --almost-- educational, right here.
‘Sue' is the nickname archaeologists bestowed upon the best-preserved Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton ever found. It was discovered on August 12, 1990, having been happily rotting to shit under the ground for 65 million years or so. The first to start cruising around in the dirt after it --like a cat attempting to conceal the huge turd it's just left on some poor bastard's pristine yard-- was Sue Hendrickson, hence the bony beast's name.
Following her excavation from the Cheyenne River Indian Reservation in South Dakota, Sue is now living the dream: her festering remains are propped up in a museum to be gawped at by these strange, newfangled ‘humans' for eternity. Still, she's now perhaps the oldest celebrity in the world, and that status probably gets her all kinds of sex.
How better to celebrate this dino-tastic date, then, than with some good ol' fashioned piss-takery? Tyrannosaurus Rex and video games brings to mind only one thing: THAT final boss battle from the Sega Genesis Jurassic Park.
As studly, furious and bowel-loosening as this guy was in the movie, its 16-bit form was massively bollocks. As Dr. Alan Grant was cruising along the river rapids, the end of this arcade ballache finally in sight, Rex's disembodied head and half-a-neck appeared from nowhere at all. The ensuing ‘battle' was, without hyperbole, the worst thing ever.
Entirely invincible, the beast could only be stunned for a fraction of a second by gunfire. To escape without your delicate manflesh being chewed on, and thus finish the game, you'd have to proceed from left to right while continually turning back to shoot at said head. So, for making one of the most potentially badass moments in early gaming into a tiny man having an odd seizure with a shotgun in a dinghy, we salute Jurassic Park: Rampage Edition.
With a little help from Youtuber julian fortunato, we've immortalized this farcical moment above.
Screenshot source: vizzed.
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