Newly Single Jennifer Aniston Eyeing Brad Pitt’s Penis?

An older woman and a younger man have broken up after a relatively short time together, and the news is obviously pretty hard for people to digest. When has this ever happened. Eighty-five-year-old actress Jennifer Aniston and forty-six-year-old actor Justin Theroux have called it quits after being together since 2011 and being married since 2015, and through a new joint statement declare that they, shocker, have nothing but mutual respect for one another and love each other and everything's amazing and please respect their privacy and they're splitting because Theroux got sick of finding Aniston's old lady vagina slapping against her knees. Well, that last part is implied:

In an effort to reduce any further speculation, we have decided to announce our separation. This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year. We are two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship. Normally we would do this privately, but given that the gossip industry cannot resist an opportunity to speculate and invent, we wanted to convey the truth directly. Whatever else is printed about us that is not directly from us, is someone else’s fictional narrative. Above all, we are determined to maintain the deep respect and love that we have for one another.

Yes, people who have deep respect and love for one another get divorced. The news of the duo's separation barely had time to sink in before people naturally started looking to Aniston's ex Brad Pitt's penis, and wondering how thirsty she is for that sweet dong. Twatters on the Twitterverse are already speculating that Aniston is back to finger blasting herself while sniffing Pitt's old underwear and Buzzfeed released the think piece "Jennifer Aniston is Separating from Justin Theroux and People Want Her to Call Up Brad Pitt."

If Hollywood has taught us anything over the past year it's that women - not to mention a woman as successful as Aniston - are independent and fierce and own their sexuality, but today's reaction to Aniston's split is a nice reminder that without a man in her life, a woman is just an aimless bloody tampon in search of love. And since Aniston is a hundred she's more like a dusty barren field with no one to water her. My coworker says that the narrative of Aniston's perpetual loneliness is ridiculous and only exists to keep single forty-something women from overdosing on catnip while watching Bridget Jones's Diary, but I think Aniston just needs that Pitt dick to be truly happy. Just look at her. She wants to be tarred and feathered with his jizz and pubes. Get what's yours you sad old skank!

Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is crafting her "Hey, let's grab coffee and catch up" text to Brad Pitt. https://t.co/pXLGo7O4Mp

— Madeline Hill (@mad_hill) February 15, 2018

I really hope Jennifer Aniston gets back together with Brad Pitt. Then, in the year 2023, I really hope Angelina Jolie steals him again just to prove once and for all who’s boss. #TeamJolie

— Mark Graham (@unclegrambo) February 16, 2018

WHAT IF JENNIFER ANISTON AND BRAD PITT START DATING #dead #JenniferAniston #BradPitt

— Vasha Jannette (@vak17) February 15, 2018

Me: *reading about Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux split* awww that sucks
Also me: planning Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt's second wedding

— Ally Reid (@ashallann) February 16, 2018

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie split. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux split. I can't be the only thinking...

— Erik 'Killmonger' Anderson (@awards_watch) February 15, 2018

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News