bill-swift - January 25, 2013
Yes indeed, gentlemen. As we're sure you'll all attest, everybody ever likes monkeys. Their mischievous shenanigans (public wanking for the delight of an array of video camera-toting tourists, merrily throwing handfuls of their own shit at their friends in what passes for a dignified cocktail party among these hairy bastards), their endearingly human-esque appearance, baboons with their huge red asses... what's not to like?
Well, there's Dr Zaius and his compatriots. Those madcap guys and their proclivity for conducting unscrupulous scientific experiments on us did little for man/monkey interspecies harmony. Shooting painful pain-bullets of pain at humans' gonads rated rather highly on the Uncool-o-meter too. Nonetheless, merely pissing Charlton Heston off does not alter the fundamental fact: monkeys are as awesome as they are intelligent.
To illustrate this, pcmag.com published a report into the frankly preposterous Apps for Apes initiative yesterday. Thirteen zoos worldwide are participating, in a scheme to bolster the stimulation of captive orangutans. Because, presumably, in the wild these mofos are accustomed to completing Su Doku puzzles (A one such beast told Egotastic, "pencil? Screw that. I write with a finger/my own shit.") and penning poignant poetry. Once you lock these majestic ginger gentlemen in a tiny cage that reeks of piss, you've got to keep their inquisitive minds occupied.
The notion is a simple-yet-effective one: accrue expensive pieces of Apple-branded technology and give it to a hairy-assed monkey that's probably just had its fingers so far up its anus that it found yesterday's breakfast. Hygienically dubious, perhaps, but the simian smartasses revel in it. The program has expanded to include the Smithsonian's National Zoo in Washington, D.C., where ‘in the past few months, the zoo's... repertoire has grown to more than 10 apps, including musical instruments, cognitive games, and drawing programs.'
In summation, don't be alarmed to find our primate pals among big business CEOs in a year or two, smoking cigars in ostentatious leather chairs that cost more than an employee's annual salary. Or taking the afternoon off for an ‘executive massage' (in the groin area) on expenses. In the fleeting clip above, take a look at the orangutans' deft dealings with the iPad. It features a monkey with no goddamn arms drawing on a rudimentary paint program with its feet. If that isn't a selling point, what the hell is?
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