Fortune-Telling Bacon: Too Bad You Can’t Actually Eat It

Crystal balls and fortune cookies are a thing of the past. We've got Fortune-Telling Bacon now--and it's about damn time. The pork gods have heeded our call for wisdom and they're sending oodles and oodles of these magical strips of bacon so we can unravel our fates and our fortunes.

It's just too bad that we can't actually eat it.

That's because the Fortune-Telling Bacon is no ordinary bacon. It's made from thin strips of plastic that came from magical swine grown in Ireland (at least, that's what it said on the product page.) Just take a strip from the sealed pack and interpret your fortune as follows:

Moves Left - Chewy Goodness
Moves Right - Crispy
Both Ends Move - Sizzling Hot
Sides Curl - Canadian
Flips Over - Spicy
Curls up Entirely - Greasy
Lies Motionless - Vegetarian

It's not very detailed, but then again, what did you expect from magical bacon?

Get It: $9.99