CELEBRITIES

Alexis Ren Could Not Be Hotter or More Barely Legal

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bill-swift - December 17, 2014

I stand accused of finding Alexis Ren to be just out of this universe in the hotness department. This blonde native L.A. model has twisted my insides and untwisted by outsides since the day I first laid peeps upon her. And, now, well, now Alexis is eighteen and I've got some things to say about Alexis in this uber sextastic Mitch Tomlinson photoshoot.

Things like, Alexis, might I inspect your navel for a couple hours while blindfolded. Consider it an ancient Inuit getting to know each other tradition prior to me making many many babies with you. I don't necessarily want to raise the children, but we can find them good homes in celebrity domiciles while we proceed to make more. We shall be fruitful and multiple and not wear any clothing for the next decade or so as we go about our sacred mission of planting and reaping and repeating. Damn, you look so good. I would give up gluten for you. But, please, don't make me. If we're to create many miracles in many positions, I'm going to need some pizza. I think I just cried. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Mitch Tomlinson

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