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5 Terrifying Things About The Muppets

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bill-swift - May 26, 2012

I grew up watching the Muppets. Like many people over the last 40 years, I first learned the alphabet and that angry green creatures live in trashcans from them. As a child, at 6 PM I was going to watch The Muppet Show. Good luck trying to get me to take a bath or eat my dinner if Kermit and the gang were on. I even liked Jim Henson's weird fantasy stuff in the 80's like The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth starring David Bowie's package. When Henson died in 1990, I cried like a relative had passed. I saw his funeral on TV. When Big Bird sang It's Not Easy Being Green, I...Excuse me...I have something in my eye...can't type properly...OK. I'm alright now. Anyway, as an adult I look back on Henson's legacy with fond memories. Except for the items on this list, which keep me up at night. Here are 5 terrifying things about The Muppets.

Kermit and Miss Piggy's Babies

The main characters of the Muppets were Kermit and Miss Piggy, who were played by Henson and Frank Oz. As kids we thought nothing of the idea of a frog and pig being in love. Hey, I'm very opened minded. Love the one your with, baby. However, what happens if Kermit and Miss Piggy decide to reproduce? In The Muppet Christmas Carol we see that they have 3 pig daughters and one frog son. But this isn't what would really happen. Let's say that Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker somehow figure out how to initiate the cellular mitosis between an amphibian and a mammal, that offspring would be half pig and half frog. It would be an abomination, a cloven hoofed omnivore with a long tongue and web feet living in the sewers. Kermit and Piggy, please use a rubber.

Skeeter

I was a big fan of The Muppet Babies as well. The cartoon was based on a scene from The Muppets Take Manhattan, in which Miss Piggy imagines the gang as babies. All of the main Muppet characters were part of the show, plus a new character named Skeeter. She was Scooter's twin sister and was annoyingly played by Howie Mandel. My question is: What happened to Skeeter? She's nowhere to be seen when the Muppets grow up. Did she die or something? Did she contract foam rubber Leukemia and die in her teens? Did she join a cult and leave The Muppets? We as a people should demand to know what happened to Scooter's sister.

Big Bird's Schizophrenia

Big Bird is the perpetually 6 year old giant bird that lives on Sesame Street. He is one of the most beloved characters in the history of TV. And he is a delusional schizophrenic. In the late 70's, Big Bird began seeing a giant hairy elephant named Mr. Snuffalupagus. They would hang out and have long conversations and soon became best friends. The problem was that no one else could see him. Luis, Bob, Maria, and the rest of the humans treated Big Bird like he was nuts. Delusions are a common side effect of certain types of schizophrenia. One day the gang "met" Mr. Snuffalupagus...but did they really or were they just playing along with Big Bird's delusions? It's important for people with no knowledge of mental health issues to not try and contradict a person's delusions. They can become violent.

Drug Use In The Electric Mayhem

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem were The Muppet Show's band. They consisted of Dr. Teeth on organ, Janice on guitar, Floyd on bass, Zoot on saxophone, and Animal on drums. They were also high all the time. Look, it was the 70's and they were rock stars. They probably hung out with Mick Jagger and Truman Capote at Studio 54, snorting lines of blow off of Grace Jones' butt. I've seen what people are like on drugs. Janice and Floyd can't even keep their eyes open they've smoked so much ganja. Zoot is so smacked out of his head he is always falling asleep. Dr. Teeth is clearly on coke and Animal has so many amphetamines running through him he needs to be kept on a chain.

Cookie Monster's Eating Disorder

"Sure, he overeats," you might be thinking. But does he? Cookie Monster says he wants to eat cookies all the time but he doesn't actually eat them. He just throws them at his face, breaks them up with his hands, or chews them a little and spits them out. It's a way of throwing people off the scent of your eating disorder. Bulimics eat their food but immediately throw up. Anorexics often lie about having eaten. Cookie Monster is worried that in the image obsessed world of TV that he'll get fired if he gets too fat.  Poor Cookie. No worry,Cookie. Me love you just like are, big guy.

Article By Jack Tomas
http://www.jacktomas.com >



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