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Wonderfully Horrible Netflix Instant Films: Black Moon Rising

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Michael Garcia - May 13, 2016

We all love Tommy Lee Jones. Who can forget his role in The Fugitive or in last year's Lincoln? But the guy has made 72 films so he was bound to make a few stinkers. The worst would probably be his turn as Two Face in the abomination known as Batman Forever. But somewhere near the bottom of his storied career is this little turd called Black Moon Rising. It's one of those films that was made to capitalize on the success of other movies/shows, in this case Knight Rider. It has fast technologically advanced cars, vaguely evil bad guys, and he wears a leather jacket that is way too tight. The film also stars Linda Hamilton when she was still really hot and scenery chewing future insurance salesman Robert Vaughn. It's eightiesarific and hurts so good.

Tommy plays a thief who is sent to steal some data tapes from a computer place for reasons that are never really explained. When some other dudes that, I guess, are also looking for the tapes come after him, he hides the tape in the weird license plate pocket of an experimental car he sees at a gas station. This is the titular Black Moon. It looks like a cheap knock-off Mexican toy version of the DeLorean from Back To The Future made out of old egg crates and toxic lead paint. But Tommy needs to get the tape back or Bubba Smith, (the former football player famous for playing Hightower in the Police Academy sage), is going to kill him. Unfortunately, Linda Hamilton steals the car and takes it to a secret chop shop/evil lair in a high rise that is under construction. The building is owned by the Robert Vaughn who has goons steal cars so he can sell them to shady characters. Why I guy that can afford to build skyscrapers would bother with selling stolen cars is besides the point. Tommy seduces Lina Hamilton, (because who can resist that face?), and they come up with a plan to steal the car. Linda is tired of Robert Vaughn trying to have sexual relations with her. I imagine that Robert Vaughn's penis looks like a miniature version of him with his face and hair at the top. Who wouldn't be scared of that? The movie ends with a car chase in the building (!) and a lot of physics defying car stunts. Dear God it's so terrible/awesome.

The script doesn't make any sense. The cool car that is featured is neither cool nor does it have that much screen time. It would be like only seeing KITT for 3 minutes of an episode of Knight Rider. We're supposed to believe that Tommy is a sexy badass, which just doesn't work. I'll buy the badass part, but I don't care how low he unbuttons his shirt or wears tight pants and leather jackets he's still an ugly redneck from the Texas hill country. There is no way he would nab Linda Hamilton. Unless he too has a weird penis with his face at the top. I can see that if Linda Hamilton only had the choice of a Robert Vaughn topped penis or the Tommy Lee Jones topped penis she'd choose Tommy. Robert Vaughn's brylcreemed hair probably hurts. The effects are laughable, like something 15 year olds making an action movie with an iPhone might make. That being said, if you want to turn off your brain completely and enjoy some utterly fantastic 80's garbage, Black Moon Rising is for you.

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