Tonight Is Your Night, Caitlyn

Tonight's the night we make history, Caitlyn. After strong-arming ABC and ESPN, and them rolling over in a puddle of their own ratings juices, this is the moment when Abby Wambach hands you the mantle of greatness. She cries, you cry, your family showing off their no less fake than your own tits cry, everybody in the audience cries if they ever want to work again, and we seal the fate of corporate media as a bunch of whoring, cynical, politically correct ninnies. I don't want to get all Sinead O'Connor hyperbolized damning. But stack this moment up in the evidence for the prosecution. The only thing Arthur Ashe and Caitlin Jenner have in common is eventually the reaping of The AIDS. Only the good die young. The rest are looking fabulous and pretending their children are happy. Your man is still showing, Bruce.