On The Olive Garden And Its Discontents

Olive Garden, that staple of American cuisine, is giving itself a facelift. Anyone who group up in any suburb anywhere in America knows the ugly stucco building with the lame purple and green logo that beckons you with the promise of mediocrity in a pasta bowl. The company thinks if it updates their menu design, buildings, logos, and branding from the early 90's original design it will attract more customers. You know, try to make it hip for the kids with their hula hoops and their Bob Seger. I never understood the appeal of the Olive Garden. When I was in junior high and high school that is where people always wanted to go, especially the ladies. I remember girls in my school actively dropping hints that they wanted to be taken to eat s#!tty "Italian" food.

Everyone always goes on about their salad and breadsticks as being the orgasm inducing Platonic form from which all other salad and breadsticks must be judged. But are they that good or is it just that the microwaved bread and 2 day old lettuce is the best part of an all-together crappy meal. You can't overcook pasta and pour a gallon of alfredo sauce on it and call it Italian food. Have you ever tried the lasagna there? It tastes like layers of rubber stuffed with cat food. I grew up in the suburbs too and I know that your food choices are largely only the chain restaurants. But there are always better Italian food options. If Olive Garden really wants to improve their brand they should just burn down their existing structures and start over from scratch. You can only polish a turd so much.

The above commercial is from 1998 and features a man taking his cousin from Italy to the Garden. I'm pretty sure he's sleeping with the fishes tonight.