Lindsay Lohan’s Liver is Fucked

So the other day, when I was making fun of Lindsay Lohan's post-op partying, I made the prediction that Lindsay's next hospital visit would be for liver failure. Well, in the immortal words of Steven Colbert: I CALLED IT!

According to The National Enquirer, when Lindsay Lohan was in the hospital to have her appendix removed, her blood work showed that Lindsay's liver enzymes are "extremely elevated," and Lohan has been warned she may die, if she doesn't stop drinking.

"The appendectomy was routine, but what doctors discovered in her blood work was not," a source close to the actress told The ENQUIRER.




"Lindsay's liver panel shows her drinking is taking a terrible toll on her health. Her liver enzymes are extremely elevated, and doctors warned her if she doesn't quit boozing she could die!"




The high levels of two particular liver enzymes indicate that some of Lindsay's liver cells are damaged and are leaking these enzymes into her blood.




In addition to the raised enzymes, the levels of protein in her liver were shockingly low -- so low her doctors "couldn't believe she was even walking around," said an insider.

Yup, Lindsay Lohan is dying, and it's all her fault. At the rate she's going, I give her about a year, 18 months tops. Of course, those projections are based on a death due to complications from liver failure, with odds at 5:1. The likelihood of Lindsay dying in a car crash are 3:1, but the safe money is on a drug overdose at 1:1.