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Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler Moving to Farm Country

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Lex Jurgen - June 6, 2017

Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari have done remarkably well for themselves by being utterly unremarkable in their chosen professions. That being NFL quarterback and random skinny blond chick from a reality show a decade ago.

With Cutler maxed out on sprained knees and pocket fumbles, the 30-something couple are moving to Nashville to live on a fake farm and cover every fifth people magazine with fabricated tales of country living. Step one, purchase a five million dollar estate. Step two, silly Instagram pics of Jay trying to milk a cow. How else will you get milk for those kids you made to force him to marry you?

Idle rich lifestyles used to be limited to the idle rich. Everybody secretly despies a Carnegie or a Rockefeller for their life of leisure, but the blue blood jokes eased the tension between the castes. Also, their guilt built a lot of museums and places for poor people to get pool herpes. The Cutler-Cavallaris are going to give unto this world a ton of Snapchat videos. None of them involving the eighty pound mom naked and slowly stroking her unpadded ulnae.

The measure of a society is how many hookers its elites kill without anybody caring. Hint, we're losing to China. Our new elites lack gumption.

Photo Credit: Instagram / @kristincavallari

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