Karrueche Tran Teeny Bikini at Coachella

The paparazzi must make a killing going to Coachella. That payday might even make all of the bullshit that goes along with festivals worth it. It seems like you wouldn’t be able to snap a pic of a crowd without catching at least three semi-celebrities in the frame.

Coachella is like a homing beacon to all of them, bringing them in every year just like salmon returning to the river of their birth to spawn. I have never been to Coachella, but I imagine there is quite a bit of spawning that goes on there as well. And the thought of sweaty festival skanks on molly bumping uglies with sleeveless bros makes me so nauseous that I no longer have to spend money on dinner. Maybe I should thank them for that.

Festivals have never been my thing. There are too many people breathing and talking, too much music that I don’t care about, and not enough reasonably priced beverages. That is why I much prefer watching videos of the events on YouTube from the comfort of my bed. It makes me feel like an aristocrat with a box seat at the opera.

Photo Credit: Backgrid