NFL Player Nearly Loses Hand

New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul was up for a nearly $15 million contract this season, which may be in jeopardy after he severely injured his hand while lighting fireworks. No word on how not sober he was. 

Pierre-Paul's injury was so severe he was initially reported as being in danger of having it amputated which makes it hard to play football or open a can of sugar beets. Fortunately he is now expected to make a full recovery. 

It's unclear if he'll still get that contract, mostly because teams are weary of lunatics. At least he dropped the baby first. There's not a lot of good that can come from fireworks. What was he lighting, freaking Apollo 15? Moderation is the spice of life. Or something like that people with both hands at 40 like to say.