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Have I told you guys yet about the time my dad decided it would be cool to grow a ponytail?

February 1992 he drags my ass to see noted wife beater Sean Connery in his latest film, Medicine Man. The film was directed by Die Hard's John McTiernan and co-starred Goodfellas' Lorraine Bracco, but the only supporting character in the film my dad gave a damn about was that luxurious and presumably fake ponytail that Connery was sporting.

As the credits were rolling after the film mercifully ended, my dad turns to me and says, "Connery there looked pretty sharp with that ponytail."

"Yeah, he wore it well."

"I might grow one like it, I think."

My dad went totally gray before he was 30, Steve Martin-style, so seeing a gray haired man wearing a ponytail had given my father what's known as false confidence.

"Sure, why not, " I said, not knowing that my father's naturally wavy hair would prevent his ponytail from ever getting any bigger than a Fun Size candy bar.

So the next time someone says, "That movie Medicine Man was pretty bad," remind them that it's not just a bad movie, but that it utterly destroyed my father's delusion that he could ever be as cool as Sean Connery. It would've happened sooner or later, I suppose, but this movie ruins lives. Remember that.

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