Marisa Tomei’s Bangin’ Bod

Marisa Tomei has been pitching tents in the trousers of adolescents for decades and she shows no signs of letting up anytime soon. Showing so few marks of aging makes me wonder if she is possibly bathing in the blood of unicorns. (Note to self: research Marisa’s bathing habits further, for science.)

She is enough to make even an elderly man pop an inconvenient boner. May God have mercy on all the fathers who only wanted to take their kids on a harmless day out to the theater. Marisa, how could you not think of the children before taking such good care of yourself? Why could you not take after the rest of your Hollywood peers and donate your body to experimental plastic surgery?

Ms. Tomei may have drifted out of the spotlight for the last few years, but she is sure to endear herself to a whole new generation of moviegoers with her role as Aunt May in the most recent Spiderman installment. With a “perkiness” that leaves women she predates by decades envious, maybe she can be the motivation scientists need to finally take their job seriously and invent a way to preserve the rest of our babes before it is too late.  

Photos via Getty