Zooey Deschanel Officially Single; We Ask For a Little Privacy As We Express Ourselves Physically

According to our friends at TMZ, quirky cutie Zooey Deschanel is now officially split from that Death Cab for Cutie emo husband of hers, and since we are bound by honor, the legal system, and a promise we made once to our dying parakeet, Jay, to never involve ourselves in the matters of the flesh with a married woman, well, today is a happy day.

Look, despite the finality of the divorce decree, today is not the day to gloat about Zooey running into my arms, demanding a rebound stuffing of legendary proportions. So, I'm not going to talk about the wild, raunchy making of the sexy session with The New Girl that left room #208 at the Red Roof Inn smelling like a mix between fake lilac and a liverwurst processing planet. A gentleman never gossips, not even about the forbidden love that Zooey and I may have shared, but let's just say, I followed her into the dark. Enjoy.