bill-swift - August 23, 2013
The latest terrifying harbinger of the apocalypse has reared it's feathery bobbing head: zombie pigeons. We all know that one day soon the dead will rise from their graves to feed on the brains of the living. This is a fact. Ask a scientist. But a "zombie virus" has begun infecting the pigeons in Moscow. The birds begin walking backwards, resting their heads on the ground, acting aggressive, and basically behaving like a bunch of freakshows before they die. The pigeons have started attacking people as well. Needless to say, the Russians are scared sh!$less. Not only is their behavior reminiscent of zombie attacks, but also Hitchcock's The Birds and Birdemic: Shock and Terror. F$ck.
I live in New York City. Do you have any idea how many pigeons there are in this city? Billions, (probably). I sometimes think they are going to peck me to death without being infected with a sinister zombie virus. The worst part is that the disease doesn't cause the slow shuffling behavior of a Night of the Living Dead zombie. No. These are more like the rage filled fast-moving monsters from 28 Days Later. And they can friggin' fly! I swear to the lord Xenu that I will punch the first pigeon that flies at me to death.
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