You Can’t Call 911 Because You’re Out of Beer? How About For These Other Real-Life Problems?

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bill-swift - September 25, 2012

When a Florida man discovered he was out of his favorite brewski and that his daughter didn't want to go out and get more, he did what any sensible, intelligent human being would do. He called 911 claiming there was a domestic situation and if they could please come and arrest his daughter. The only person who found themselves in cuffs was the man himself, Robert Hagerman, when the police arrived and realized they'd been duped by a guy running low on Budweiser.

If I called 911 every time I was out of alcohol, my phone bill would be off the charts. And if they actually came every time I had this problem, I'd be a major alcoholic by now. But there should be things you can call 911 about that are a little off-the-wall, shouldn't there be? Maybe not life threatening situations, but sometimes we all need a little extra help and the arrival of a black and white car in your driveway might get shit done.

So here are real things you should be allowed to call 911 for:

Cable Man hasn't come yet - If they say they're going to be there between 9am and 2pm, shouldn't they legally be obligated to come then? Is a five hour window not enough time for the cable company to get their shit together and install my internet so I can stop watching porn on my iPhone by stealing my neighbor's wireless? Help me, 911!

Circuit breaker is out but it's at the dark end of the basement - I'm not saying that my basement is haunted, but if I have to flick one of the breakers in the scary end of my basement, I want some police protection and some back up when I go down there. I'm also saying my basement is probably haunted and I'm scared to go down there alone.

Neighbor is doing construction at 7am on a Sunday morning - I don't know how to read a blueprint or how to even find one, but I'm pretty sure my neighbor is building that toolshed of his too close to my fence. Or at least that's what I'm forced to believe because this guy gets up earlier than the Amish on the weekends to work on the damn thing, hammering and drilling me awake from my hungover stupor. And also, if he's building a toolshed, where are the tools from? It's a chicken and egg situation here.

Old woman doesn't pick up after her dog that shits on my lawn - If there's shit on my lawn, I'm going to step in it. It's just one of those facts of life. You think I like picking up after my own dog? That stuff pours out of Fido like clam chowder. I have to scoop it into a plastic baggie with a ladle. But I do it, because I don't want anyone stepping in it. This should be punishable by 5-10 years at the least.

Rich persian kid down the block has his bass levels way too high on his car stereo - I'm not saying that my taste in music is better than yours. But I am typing that. Because it's true. I'm glad you drive a Mercedes 5s200 or whatever the hell it's called; that's great that your parents bought that for you, but you're driving up my street, why are you blasting club music? At the very least they should be legally obligated to call me ahead of time so I can drop some ecstasy and run out to join them when they drive by.

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