Why Are New York Women So Unsatisfied in the Sack?

The streets of Manhattan were vibrating with more than just traffic yesterday when condom maker Trojan set up 'Pleasure Carts' midtown and downtown, giving away thousands of vibrating sex toys for free. Or at least that's what they tried to do. Due to lack of proper permits, the stampede of sexually frustrated and/or cheap women was put to a quick halt when city officials shut down the promotion.

I've learned the hard way never to accept 'free' sexually-related devices. I once tried to go cheap and buy some used condoms and ended up overpaying. But with hundreds of women lined up at each of the carts locations, it begs the question: Why are so many New York City women sexually frustrated? Well we think we have an idea why.

Humidity: Have you ever been to Manhattan in August? It's like a chapter from Dante's Inferno. Muggy, swampy, humid. Awful! The last thing you want to do is exert yourself physically in any kind of way. It's bad enough you're walking around with a jewfro the moment you stick your head outdoors, the last thing you want to do is add sex hair into the mix; you just want to lay there in the A/C and fan yourself as you fall asleep to The Daily Show

Brooklyn Hipsters: Come on, how is a woman supposed to take you seriously? No wonder every woman in the five boroughs is running for free vibrators faster than Usain Bolt. If you want your girlfriend to be as turned on by you as they are when they spot a pack of Double-A Duracell's in a shop window, ditch the 'stache, exchange that six-pack of microbrewed beer for a bottle of Claret, and quit buying your pants from the women's department at Neiman Marcus.

Draconian Health Laws: Did you know it's now illegal to buy a soda larger than sixteen ounces in New York City? Did you also know that you can't smoke cigarettes in public parks in the city either? Picture this: You've just had a stunning session of lovemaking with your Manhattan girlfriend and she wants to light up. But no, you're tenth floor walk-up is non-smoking. And she can't go outside to have one because you live off the Park and that would be illegal. 'Okay,' she says, 'but I really worked up a sweat, what do you have to drink to refresh me.' And you have nothing. You got nothing! So you think she's really going to want to for round two now? No, she's going to go home and start her very own Trojan War under her sheets. You blew it.

New Yorkers like to stick it to each other (pun intended): New Yorkers like to complain a lot. Complain and argue. It's in our DNA. We're opinionated. Ya got a problem wit dat?! Didn't think so. So what would a female New Yorker be if she didn't do something to openly mock her boyfriend. She wouldn't be a New Yorker, that's for sure. Letting someone publicly know you're dissatisfied with them is every New Yorker's right, and every New Yorker guy's nightmare.