bill-swift - July 9, 2012
Do you still have Internet access or are you using your G3 signal to read this? The interwebs has been abuzz all weekend about a possible Internet blackout today. Apparently, some H4xOrz in Estonia set up a malware virus named the "Internet Doomsday" bug. These Estonians, (Estoners? Estonites? whatever.), have made 14 million dollars in bogus ad revenue. 14 million U.S. money not Estonians pesos or whatnot. The Feds shut down the ring and a judge ordered the FBI to set up temporary servers while people whose computers were infected got them fixed. I hope you took your computer in because the FBI is shutting off the server and the bug will block your Internet access. What are you going to do without the Internet? Can't look at porn, Facebook, or most importantly Egotastic! Here are a few things you can do if your access goes down.
Read A Book
There are these things called books that people in the dark ages of the 1990's used to read. They are made from paper and cardboard and are sold at Barnes and Noble and other places you probably go only to get coffee. You can download some books to your Nook or Kindle, but they too might be infected. The good thing about a paper book is that they can't be infected by malware. They can have ridiculous stories about glittery vampires and the horse-faced boring girls that love them that might make you want to kill yourself, but no viruses.
Talk To Your Loved Ones
This is to be done only as a last resort. If you are like me a good part of your quality time with your family is spent sitting in the same room together with everyone on a different laptop. This makes having to actually fully interact with them unnecessary. So, talk to them Mom's stories about that girl you didn't know who went to high school with you getting married can be painful, but what choice do you have? You might also have to talk to your girlfriend/wife. Try to avoid having to have long drawn out conversations about feelings or relationships by copping a feel whenever the conversation gets too heavy. This might lead to sex or her giving you the silent treatment. Either way, problem solved.
Buy Hard Copy Porn
If your girl does close her doors for business, you can get your porn fix the old fashioned way: buy a magazine or DVD. These are sold at adult bookstores or shops. They can usually be found near airports or freeway feeder roads. In the olden days, these were the only places you could go to get your pornography back in the day. When I was a teenager, any porn you got your hands on was like a sacred treasure you guarded with your life. Now you can spend 5 hours browsing video of sexual acts that would shock Caligula online. There is a certain charm to these old films. I like the stuff from the 70's that was shot on actual film stock and everyone was hairy and real. They also had awesome wha wha pedal funk soundtracks. Good stuff.
Buy A Bird And Set It Free
Go to the neighborhood pet store and get yourself a canary, parakeet, or finch. Take him outside and set him free. Let him feel the wind under his wings and have him soar through the clouds. It's better than the life he would have lived locked in a cage eating seeds. That's like bird prison, a jail not unlike the one you are trapped in with no Internet access. Would you have these poor majestic creatures suffer the same pain as you? If so, you are an a-hole.
Go To The Park
Parks are these green places with trees and stuff where people used to go to get fresh air and exercise. You might have thought it was just for homeless people or anonymous gay hookups, and you'd be right at night time. But during the day it is a pleasant place to go and sit and watch squirrels and poor people bar-b-qs. The other day I was walking through Washington Square Park in Manhattan when I saw a friggin' hawk fly 6 inches over my head in order to dive bomb and kill a rat. Pretty bad ass, right? I wouldn't have seen that if I hadn't decided to cut through the park. If you do get gay propositioned in the park bathroom and you're straight, politely decline and don't forget to wash your hands. If you are gay and you decide to go for it, double bag it, son.