What NOT To Get Your Mom For Mother’s Day

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bill-swift - May 12, 2012

Mother's Day is this Sunday and you better be ready. It's the one day a year when we have to ignore our mother's constant nagging and guilt trips and take her out to brunch, (brunch is like catnip for moms). The woman did give birth to you after all. You owe her. People usually don't put much thought into what they get their moms on Mother's Day. Why don't you get her something she's actually going to enjoy and not just something you got at Target on the way to the brunch place? She cleaned your dirty diapers for Christ's sake! So, with that in mind, here is our guide on what not to get your mom for Mother's Day.


I know this is a popular gift and it's easy, but have you ever stopped to consider the symbolism? Sure they are beautiful...for a few days. Then they slowly whither and die. Your mother is getting older everyday. Her strength, vitality, health, and looks are slipping away just like that wilting rose. Also you know when else people send flowers? Funerals. When I smell lots of flowers I can't help but remember the nauseating stench of the bouquets that rotted in my house for a week after my grandparent's funerals. Do you really want to remind your mom that she's going to die soon?

A Python

Mom's love pets, but a python is a bad gift. If you want to get her a little companion, why not a rescue kitten or dog? But a giant kitten or dog eating snake is not appropriate. You may think snakes are cool, but your mom would probably faint if she had to feed it a guinea pig. Pythons kill their prey by slowly constricting them. I'm still young, so if a snake started to wrap itself around me I'd punch it in the face. But your mom doesn't move as fast as she used to. My mom would probably think the snake was giving her a hug until it was too late.

Gift Cards

I'll admit that I've done this one. In my defense, my mom loves a nice gift card to Pier 1 or Bed, Bath, and Beyond. But it's kind of lazy. It says, "I know you raised me and loved me unconditionally all my life but I am too busy. So, I bought this card for you in the checkout line at Walmart." Why don't you actually think about your mom's likes and dislikes and get her something nice? Instead of plopping down $50 for a lame plastic gift card, actually go to Pier 1 and get her something she'll like. She pushed your giant melon head out of her vagina, people.

An Account On OKCupid

If your mom is no longer married or is a widow, you probably worry about her being alone. What if she fell and she didn't have one of those, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" thingies? Also, without constant human interaction their brains start to go. OKCupid is not the answer. I've rarely heard an OKCupid story that did not end in tears and sex pests. You should encourage her to go to age appropriate activities like Bingo, church groups, or perhaps a continuing education course. OKCupid is just full of messed up perverts. I guarantee that your mom is going to get hit up by 50 hipsters with a 60 year-old woman fetish.

Gwar Tickets

Moms like to go out to see shows, but Gwar is probably not a good choice. Maybe you have the kind of mother that wouldn't mind being pulled up onstage and fed to a giant vagina monster, I don't know your mom. But chances are the answer is no. Why not get her tickets to see Mama Mia! or James Taylor. And yes, you should also go to the show. Maybe you'd rather sing along to "I'm in Love (With A Dead Dog)" than "Super Trooper". Just suck it up for a night and leave your Oderus Urungus t-shirt at home.

Article By Jack Tomas >

Tagged in: humor , mothers day ,

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