bill-swift - June 16, 2012
Father's Day is on Sunday, in case you forgot. Many men have a weird relationship with their dads. Maybe your parents were divorced and he wasn't around, maybe he worked too much, perhaps he was a mime and you couldn't have father/son talks. I hope that you are one of those people with a good relationship with your dad and have avoided the crushing feelings of abandonment. Fathers are important, and not just because they got your mom drunk enough to have unprotected sex. A boy learns how to be a man from his dad or a dad-like person. If your father is a good man, chances are you will be too. If he's a drunken pervert who goes to strip clubs every night, so will you. And those girls giving you lap dances all have daddy issues too. So, let's honor the old man this weekend by not getting him one of these gifts.
Seriously? A Tie? You know what a tie says? "F-you old man, I was too lazy to actually think of something to get you." Chances are your dad has plenty of ties and he doesn't need another one. If he wears the ugly ass one you got him it's just to avoid hurting your feelings. A tie is a sad gift for a father. It reminds him of work and all the time he has to spend away from home. It's like a 70% silk 30% polyester noose around his neck from 9-5 every day. Instead, think about his hobbies and likes and get him something he's actually going to enjoy, you ungrateful bastard.
An "Over the Hill" gift
Ha, ha, you got your dad an "Over The Hill" hat. First of all, you are lame and have a terrible sense of humor. Secondly, why are you trying to remind your dad about death? Our dads are all getting older and they inch closer to the grave with each passing day. Your dad knows this and probably takes a fistful of Lipitor and Bayer aspirin every day to delay the cold hand of death. It's probably so he can spend a few more years with his crappy son who thought it would be funny to get his dad a hat with a tombstone on it. Why don't you just buy him a cemetery plot while your at it? "Hey pop, this is where we're going to bury your corpse when you kick the bucket."
It's your dad's day but that doesn't mean that your mom should be upset. Maybe mom isn't giving dad as much hanky panky as she used to. Do you really want to ask? You don't want to rent a hooker for your dad so that he gives your mom gonorrhea next year for Mother's Day. The only exception to this rule is if your dad is a widower. It may be hard for him to get out there and find someone else. He's probably lonely and Lord knows he's horny. Don't be cheap. Find a girl from a nice escort service or take him out to Vegas and go to the Bunny Ranch. You know, make a weekend out of it.
300 Angry Bees
Maybe you think that old dad needs a new hobby. "He loves to be outside and he likes honey, I'll get him some bees and he can be a beekeeper." Did your dad tell you he wants to be an amateur beekeeper? I'm pretty sure if there is something that shouldn't be done by amateurs, it's beekeeping. In order to start a hive you usually order a swarm of bees off of a distributor who mails them to you. Imagine how pissed off a bee would be if he was sent through the mail. When your dad opens that box he is going to be stung 300 times. What if he's allergic and he goes into shock? Happy Father's Day, indeed.
You may have a dozen Arby's coupons in your car, but this does not make a good gift. First off, you didn't buy them for the old man, they just came with your big beef and cheddar. Secondly, your dad does not need to be eating that stuff. His cholesterol is high enough. He doesn't need a half a pound of roast beef covered in the unknown substance known as Horsey Sauce. You might as well just shoot your dad in the face. It's a less painful than the slow demise from coronary heart disease. Why not take him out to lunch at a nice salad place. You know salad, don't you? It's that green stuff you should be eating instead of friggin' Arby's, ya fatass.