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brian-mcgee - August 20, 2018

February 1992, I am a desperate thirteen year old dying to see Wayne's World. However, the weekend it opened, Dad wasn't taking me to see Wayne's World. No, as luck would have it, I happened to casually mention that I thought the trailer for Medicine Man looked alright which was all the validation Dad needed to take us to see that instead.

In case you're not familiar, Medicine Man is a Sean Connery vehicle where Scotland's proudest son played a doctor who, "Found a cure the plague of the twentieth shentury, and now I've losht it!" It's a mom and dad movie. He should've dragged my stepmother to see that on Saturday night so that Sunday could be our day to see Wayne's World. But no, there I was trapped with dad, Sean Connery, Lorraine Bracco, and a whole bunch of topless tribal women, who admittedly were probably the best part for a horomoning twelve year old.

Anyway, the film's not the issue here, surprisingly. No, the issue here is that my father—who was turning 41 the following month—had gotten a glimpse of Sean Connery's (faker than fuck) pony tail and thought, "This is what I need to devote the next three or so years of my life to attaining."

See, Dad went prematurely grey and from about age 30 was what would commonly be referred to in this day and age as a silver fox. Seeing Connery's luxurious ponytail in that film gave dad something to achieve. He spent the next few years telling the barber to "leave the length in the back" to aid in attaining optimal Connery-esque ponytail length.

Dad's problem is he's got wavy hair, so if he didn't gather that length into a ponytail, he was rocking some serious hockey hair, now commonly referred to as a mullet. But Dad soldiered on and kept at it for a few years, even though he could never quite reach Connery proportions. I reassured him that nothing about Sean Connery's hair has been real for as long as he's been alive, and that cheered him up for the moment.

The only satisfaction my father got from that ponytail, in retrospect, was when we went to see the Robert Redford vehicle Sneakers, and my father remarked that his new, seven month old ponytail looked, "Way better than the one Ben Kingsley had" in that film. You're right dad, it was.

Oh, and he took me to see Wayne's World the following Sunday, even though it was an excruciating week spent with my classmates spoiling every single joke in it for me.

Photo Credit: Splash News / Backgrid USA / MEGA

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