Watson and Seyfried Fall Into Hack Trap

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Lex Jurgen - March 16, 2017

Emma Watson and Amanda Seyfried are the two latest celebrities to have had their private photos hacked and redistributed on websites that all claim to have the Authentic Taylor Swift double fisted anal sex tape. Any blogger with more than ten visitors per month has been hit up by guys from pirate sites sitting on passed around hacked celebrity photos offering them up for sale. That's the time you let Jake666 know nobody's going to purchase photos he ripped from 4Chan. The real hacker is currently being raped in Joliet because he dared steal from Scarlett Johansson during one of her first three marriages.

Ninety percent of topless celebrity photos online are Photoshopped fakes. The only way to confirm their validity is to see if the actresses hires some Century City attorney at fourteen hundred bucks an hour to cease and desist the Internet. 

Emma Watson has been tracking down hacked photos of her fitting sessions with a stylist from several years ago. She's not even naked in the photos, she's in a swimsuit. Though that's British naked. Watson claims she's been extorted with the release of these photos and ordered to stop giving feminist speeches at the UN. It's possible these are simply anon emails from UN members falling asleep during her presentations. Watson claims the swimsuit photo blackmailers only embolden her dedication to the cause. Thanks a lot, blackmailers.

Seyfried's attorneys fired off a letter to CelebJihad, a site where you can only hope to computer limp away with four trojan cookies, demanding they remove photos of Amanda Seyfried unclothed with long ago boyfriend Justin Long. Long appears in his underpants, in the event you were thinking maybe a fun evening of masturbation lay ahead. 

“Several very private photographs of Ms. Seyfried, either in various states of nudity or in intimate moments with her former boyfriend, have been reproduced and posted. These photographs are believed to have been leaked, i.e., wrongfully obtained by a third party or parties without Ms. Seyfried’s knowledge or consent.”

Thanks for the definition of 'leaked'. That ought to shut down the institutionally bored JuCo students in Russia. 

Since these are all entirely limp and impotent legal actions, the best course of action after photos of you tea bagging Justin Long appear anywhere online is to laugh heartily and exclaim, "As if those are real. Too funny.". The legal letters and outrage shares are merely confirmation that was your mouth and Justin Long's testes. He was probably stammering at the time. It's a trap. How can you still not know?

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