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The Weekly WTF: ‘Ute’- Sex Has Never Been Less… Sexy

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bill-swift - February 28, 2014

Everybody remembers that day, back in their youth. The day that our venerable and wise old grandma turned to us with a denture-y smile and said:
"My dear, sleep with every man you can get. To get more points, try to move in the right speed when you have sex. But don't get caught! When you see another man coming closer, you have to hurry! Good luck!"

It's an utterly pervtastic rite of passage we all go through. Of course it is. Ute seems to think this kind of crap is normal, at any rate.

We all know that video games aren't all that adept at the whole sex thing. Remember the awkward-ass joystick-wiggling we had to do, while Kratos wiggled his joystick with Aphrodite in God of War 3? Raunchy, it was not. But this little slice of nymphomania crossed with Pac-Man out-weirds any amount of demigod thrusting.

What with all the man-sex in the intro, you'll be unsurprised to hear that you play as a woman, cruising about a maze in search of eligible dudes. Several dozen of whom are also wandering around in this bizarre, erotically charged labyrinth. It's like a damn sex party, right here, and everyone's invited.

Has anyone tried the line "let's walk into a corner and have sex" before? Ego-tip: give it a go.

Provided, of course, that they do the dance with no pants surreptitiously, in a corner or something (just like everyone always does at parties). Should one of the other horny bachelors see you going at it, it's not a good time for anyone. As the clip below puts it, both men are now mad at you, and will never sleep with you again. Is that what you want? IS IT?

We thought not. So be stealthy. Your objective is to get as much action as possible before settling down to marriage, and we'll damned if our real-life aim is going to be thwarted in Ute.

Usually, this sort of behavior will award you with nothing more than an STD or two and banishment from the Nun of the Month Club. Not so here; it's all about scoring points and... generally scoring. If you want more on this little oddity --which you definitely do, let's not kid ourselves here-- you can take a look at some gameplay from the creator herself below. If you dare.

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