The Weekly WTF: Try Not to Get Violated by Some Studly Dudes in ‘Muscle March’

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bill-swift - May 2, 2014

Gentlemen, you know how it is. You're in the gym, bothering nobody. Just squatting and thrusting and trying to leer through the keyhole of the womens' locker room, like you're in American Pie or something. Suddenly, out of no-damn-where, some bastard steals your protein powder, and you have to give chase across a series of bizarre cartoony environments. There's also posing, polar bears, and far too many bulgy dudes in speedos.

Yes indeed. We've all --all-- been there. The situation is so common it was even made into a video game. Meet Muscle March.

This little slice of madness hit the Wii in 2009. It's a simple wiimote-and-nunchuk-flailing affair, a kind of homo-erotic Wii Sports with a conga line of muscular dudes. And because you can't refuse an offer like that, let's move on and take a look.

You begin by choosing a character. They're all a different racial stereotype, and none of them have any damn pants on. Not even the polar bear (though it does appear to be wearing lingerie, so there's that). When your protein powder is stolen, you and your ripped buddies set off in pursuit. Automatically, at that, as much of Muscle March is on rails.

This guy in the foreground here? What can we say but 'dat ass.'

The thief is in such an ass-on-fire hurry that he is dashing straight through the walls of the environments, leaving bodybuilder-shaped holes in them as he goes. Your objective is to dick around with the Wiimote and nunchuk so your guy matches that pose as you pass through. Fail to do so, and a large gentleman in a hot pink g-string and bra will mock you. Worse than that, you'll lose a life.

On second thought, that first thing was definitely far worse.

Beyond that, there's pretty much eff all to the gameplay of Muscle March. It's more about the all-round experience. The weird, freaking weird weirdery of the experience. It may be a repetitive exercise in Wiimote waving (and the console has certainly shat out enough of those in its lifetime) but we'll say this for it: never has a game featured so much creepy man-ass.

That's not a challenge, by the way. Don't go and find another that tops it just to spite us.

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