The Weekly WTF- Who the Hell is the Merchant from ‘Resident Evil 4’?

In the words of fat-ass Brit-tacular hero Winston Churchill, ‘It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.' What was he talking about? Just what the eff is going on with Resident Evil 4's Merchant, that's what.

If you want to be pernickety, he was actually prattling about Russia or something; this being 1939 and, y'know, almost seventy years before the game existed. But that's Churchill. He knew his shit. Have you seen him in those pictures, with his v sign and his manly cigars? You don't eff with this guy.

Anywho, yes. The Weekly WTF has had more than its fair share of snark for this landmark game, but we couldn't let it be without taking one last look. Because this guy, that's why.

From the moment Leon and his floppy Bieber haircut encountered that first villager, we knew these guys were no good (it was the whole angry-ax-brandished-at-our-goddamn-face thing; we're quick on the uptake like that). Later, we discover that they're infected by the Las Plagas parasite, which turns them utterly batcrap crazy. But, y'know, not zombies.

These are Zombies 2.0, right here. Running, planning, setting traps and otherwise trying all kinds of wily ways to spear you on the end of a pitchfork. It's not a good time for our hero.

His allies in this village of the damned? The president's useless daughter and Luis Sera, the enigmatic-if-badass Spaniard with the worst damn beard in the world. But don't worry, because the Merchant is also on your side.

He appears at regular intervals throughout the game, usually conveniently placed before big setpieces or bosses. When the game has thrown an absurd amount of money at you (which is always), this is the dude you need. He sells weapons and weapon upgrades, treasure maps, healing items and all kinds of fancy stuff. Which is where the weirdly weird weirdery sets in.

First, there's that phoney-ass British accent. His whaddaya buyin' is hilariously awful, and makes you wonder just where the hell this guy is supposed to come from. His origins are a mystery all around: why isn't he chewing man-face and impaling tourists with farming implements like the rest of his buddies? The Ganados have all decided that Leon is an asshole, but there's always one guy who doesn't get the memo.

Most bizarre of all, there's the eye thing. The Merchant's eyes are red in the darkness. As players who know their shit have commented, this is a sign of infection by the parasite (more specifically, a sign that freaky tentacle spike thing will emerge from their necks if you headshot them). So why --and how-- is he calmly selling our asses firearms, and not spouting Spanish cuss words and going on homicidal rampages with chainsaws? We simply don't know.

Resident Evil 4 has been rereleased umpteen effing times. Content has been added, remixed and removed entirely along the way. There's still hope, then, for a bizarre little Merchant DLC chapter. Playing as this faux-Brit oddity would almost be enough to make us buy the game for the tenth time.