chris-littlechild - May 30, 2014
Y'know what Pac-Man needed? A little more S&M. A dash of Michael Jackson and Madonna being punched in the face. Most important of all, a quick dose of Kakuei Tanaka, Japanese Prime Minister in the early Seventies, being pervtastically whipped while wearing a diaper.
Well, fear not, fans of the weirdly weird-effing-weird. I'm Sorry brings us all of those things, and a few extra besides.
This 1985 arcade release is the story of the love between a man and his shitloads of cash. Tanaka was involved in bribery scandals-amundo in his time, a fact these Japanese jokers utilized to make this satirical offering. Buckle up, gentlemen, we're going in.
As a caricature of our ol' buddy Kakuei, you traverse a series of small maze-y levels. Each is filled with gold bars, and a range of bizarre-looking opponents eager to kill you in the face. Madonna, MJ, Sunglasses Dude... they're all here, and they're all pissed at you for some undisclosed reason. Unlike Pac-Man, though, you've actually got some freaking arms, and so can punch your enemies to defeat them.
As you stroll about like the badass mofo elderly ex-Prime Minister you are, you're going to have to collect that gold as well. Each bar must be delivered to the exit door at the top of the screen, whereupon it's instantly converted into supermodel masseurs and other such BS rich dudes have. Well, probably. The part about the door at the top is true, at any rate. Only by delivering every piece can you proceed to the next stage.
The basic premise, all in all, is fairly conventional. Similar to the obscure Genesis release Flicky, which wasn't balls-out demented at all. Sadly, though, as Frank Sinatra once said, then I'm Sorry goes and spoils it all by saying somethin' stupid like 'pervy old dude getting whipped in a diaper.' Which is an actual thing that happens, if Tamori (Sunglasses Dude) gets you.
But you know how things can get sometimes. It all takes a homo-erotic turn, and then Madonna shows up wanting to kiss you. So does Michael Jackson. Yep, we've all been there.
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