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The Weekly WTF: ‘Minecraft’ Brings Us the Least Sexy Porn Show You’ll Ever See

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chris-littlechild - June 6, 2014

Now, there's a time and a place for the XXX raunchtastic in video games. In God of War III, Kratos paused in his dismemberment spree for a quick round of Hide the Angry Boner with Aphrodite. That was all fine and dandy and relevant and all of that BS. In The Sims, meanwhile, you've got to keep your progeny coming by... coming, as it were. This, too, makes perfect sense.

But Minecraft? Effing Minecraft? Prepare your libidos for what could well be the anti-sexy.

As we know, this is a harmless, blocky build-em-up. In Minecraft, your objective is to conjure up fantastical designs for ambitious buildings, then fail to be assed to continue halfway through. The half-done ruins remain behind, like a Roman Colosseum or an Egyptian pyramid of failure.

Can't say we've ever heard of the 'just stand directly on your partner's genitals' position before. Take THAT, Karma Sutra!

At no point during the above does your little miner dude decide to get his dick out. Which is where the crazy-ass modders of the world come in.

There are better candidates for this, true enough. Just about every other damn game in the cosmos, really. But then the Creepers do all look like huge green dicks and balls, which was surely inspiration enough. And, lo, the Nekkid/Sex Mod is a real thing that exists. Just for piss-takery purposes, you understand. We'd like to think that, pervtacular as the world is, nobody could be turned on by this.

It's all about as sexy as the infamous Custer's Revenge. Which is to say, not remotely, but there is a massive erection involved, so top marks for eagerness. All the mod seems to add is a similarly tiny and blocky ladyfriend for our hero, and a disregard for underpants. Not to mention the most hilarious awkward sex animation the world has ever witnessed.

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