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The Weekly WTF: ‘Cubivore’ Brings the Creepiest Cuteness You Ever Saw. Ever

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bill-swift - March 7, 2014

This is some real Grade A madness, right here. Hold on to your undercrackers.

Video games allow us to pull the sort of crap that would be impossible in the real, tedious world. From Lara Croft's ridiculous feats of athleticism to one-man Grand Theft Auto crime waves, virtual life is far more interesting. What do we have? Global warming and Justin effin' Bieber. The shitty end of the stick, in short.

So, for indulging all kinds of weird fantasies (except those ones, take your perviness elsewhere), games are the way to go. And for everybody who has always wished to become a freakish, mutant cube-creature and bite the limbs off of other mutant cube-creatures, followed by entering the ‘love tunnel' with a sexy female mutant cube-creature, there's Cubivore.

This 2002 Gamecube oddity hails from Japan, and gives the concept of natural selection an adorably toon-tastic yet murderous feel. On the planet these crazy-ass beasts inhabit, the Killer Cubivore is at the top of the food chain. With his lackeys, this angry bastard oppresses all the freaky cube-things, and they're pretty pissed about it. Who's going to end this guy's reign of angular terror? You, that's who.

Are we really seeing this? Yes, yes we are.

You play as one such beast, roaming about and scratching your wang and whatever else Cubivores do all day. If you tried to attack the big ol' boss dude now, he would kick your ass. So what's to be done? There's no training montage to be had here, you can't use assorted gym equipment while Eye of the Tiger plays in the background. What you can do, is mutate to become stronger, and have a whole lot of sex.

Yes indeed. Cubivore is surprisingly combat-centric. Battling fellow Cubivores and eating their still-quivering cubic remains is the way forward. Fights are a simple attack/block/jump/evade affair, in which you must weaken your foes enough to CLAMP YOUR ANGRY SLAVERING JAWS ON ITS ARMS/LEGS. Eating these will heal a little of your HP, and change your form. A new, badass-ier form, naturally, like upgrading from the T-800 to that liquid metal bastard from Terminator 2.

Not with that attitude, you can't. Get in there and punch it in the dick! You only need one damn limb for that!

The second way of making progress is by mating. As you triumph in combat, more lady-vores will want to sleep with you (just like real life, obviously, boxers and wrestlers get all the sex). We won't go into what the ‘love tunnel' entails, but the next generation Cubivore which results will have an additional limb over its predecessor. This in turn lets it fight opponents it couldn't before, and so your mutations continue.

It's all as crazy-ass as it sounds. But enough prattle. The only way to comprehend this level of WTF is to feast your eyeballs on it in action. So, behold:

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