The Weekly WTF: ‘Conker’s Bad Fur Day’- Because Sometimes, Giant Living Turds Like to Sing Opera

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chris-littlechild - September 12, 2014

Nintendo, what the balls happened here? You're like the straight A student who falls off the wagon, drops out, and dedicates his new hobo life to drugs and hookers and taking drugs with hookers instead. We're disappointed in you. You're a bad, bad multinational corporation.

After all, if these guys are known for anything, it's their family-friendly funtimes sensibilities. They live for that shit. Unlike the rest of the gaming world, they don't bring us FPSs like Gunblastin' Shoot-tastic Shooter VIII: This Time, It's Shooty. From Nintendo, all we get are cutesy pink unicorns and rainbows sprouting from everyone's assholes.

Since their days of owning seedy ‘Love Hotels,' these guys have cleaned up their act. Occasionally, though, a questionable game or two sneaks past them. Conker's Bad Fur Day, for instance. It's a brilliantly bizarre cocktail of drunken, pervy squirrels, living shit-monsters and general depravity.

We don't know, Conker. We just don't know. Oh, the humanity!

So, obviously, consider our interest piqued. Let's take a look.

Rare brought this sack of crap to the N64 in 2001, right around the end of the console's life. Which is a kick in the pants, because it meant that it didn't make the impact it deserved to (which could be for the best, really). It's a familiar tale we've all experienced: you're completely pissed, attempting to shuffle homewards to your girlfriend without passing out in a foul-smelling heap of vomit and regret.

We've all been there. But in Conker's case, the whole thing escalates into an odd and piss-takey story of violence, sex and dodgy jokes about cripples. Essentially, all kinds of crap you never thought you'd see on the N64.

Yep. The Great Mighty Poo has sweetcorn teeth.

Somehow, we get from there to the Panther King hunting Conker down (because, naturally, he needs a squirrel to serve as the fourth leg of a wobbly table in his palace). Lost in a balls-out crazy land, he'll battle a cult of Nazi teddy bears, watch a Xenomorph burst spectacularly from the king's chest, and indulge in some light bank robbery. Because that's just how things are done around here.

On the one hand, it's a fairly conventional platformer. If you squint a bit. You'll proceed from the overworld hub to a series of visually-distinct themed stages, collecting items (here, stealing money like the cheeky little hairy bastard you are) to help you advance. On the other hand, you're also armed with a shotgun, and have to find yourself some Alka-Seltzer to cure your hangover.

And did we mention the huge opera-singing pile of shit?

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