The Weekly WTF: ‘Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em,’ the Most Porntastic Game You Ever Saw

If you're a retro-head and/or general old bastard, you might remember Chef. Or Oil Panic. Or Parachute. Or umpteen freaking others. These decrepit Game and Watch titles revolved around one core concept: grabbing things.

Said things, whether they be flecks of oil, cement, low-flying bacon or dudes parachuting into shark infested seas, cannot hit the ground. That way lies shame, doomily doom-y doom, and a GAME OVER screen. This, you don't want. So get your shit together, and catch your things.

Which is all well and good for highscore hunters. Freaking repetitive, though. But fear not, gentlemen, because Beat ‘Em And Eat ‘Em is here with a novel take on the concept. A novel, sleazetastic take. Let's unzip our flies and take a look.

Now, the Atari 2600 was hardly the perviest of consoles. You'd have to be a special kind of desperate horn-dog to get your kicks there. Nevertheless, Mystique did bring an unlicensed porn game or two to the system. There was Custer's Revenge, for instance, featuring ol' general George and his enormous blocky boner. But this? This is even more questionable.

You play as two nekkid ladies (wait, don't declare this Game of the Year just yet). There's a similarly pantsless guy on a rooftop. He looks like a huge wang with arms and a head. Girl #1 and Girl #2 are looking straight up at the sky, mouths open. You see where this is going.

How this became a thing, we can't imagine, but here it is: catch the sweet, sweet man-juice droplets in your mouth(s) for points. Because, evidently, jizzing off of the local Walmart's roof doesn't get you arrested. It's a great way to score; in both senses by the looks of this (Ego-disclaimer: don't try this at home).

Why, yes, earning 69 points does get you an extra life. Oh, Beat ‘Em And Eat ‘Em, you're so cheeky.