bill-swift - January 22, 2014
The infamous Pennsylvania cheese pervert has been apprehended. His name is Chris Pagano and he allegedly is the lactose f$cking criminal. I told you about this case last week in which a fat bald dude drives around the town of Mayfair, PA and offers women money if they will watch him place Swiss cheese on his genitals for fapping purposes. Needless to say the women of Mayfair were a little creeped out by a guy who makes sweet sweet love to cheese. Police questioned Pagano a few days ago and he adamantly said that it wasn't him but simply someone that looked just like him. The cops apparently had enough evidence to arrest him. I'm not sure if they searched his house and found a fridge full of Swiss or if he'd shoved Babybels in his rectum but the police obviously think they have enough to convict him.
But why Swiss, you might ask? It makes sense if you think about it. It's soft and yielding and has holes. One does not want to use a crumbly cheese like a feta or a hard cheese like cheddar as it probably wouldn't work for fapping. You certainly don't want to use a blue like Gorgonzola because that smell is hard to wash out. A Craigslist poster from 2008 thought to be Pagano explains the choice of cheese,
"I tried many different kinds of cheese, but settled on Swiss as the best. First and foremost, if ever a picture of cheese is used, most of the time they use a representation of Swiss cheese. But also because of its eye patterns, texture, and the way it feels against my penis."
At least I hope it was Pagano. The last thing Pennsylvania needs is more than one cheese perv.