The ‘Pokemon Go’ Shootings Are Starting

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chris-littlechild - July 18, 2016

 Now, as we all know, peer pressure and The Next Big Thing (tm) are dangerous-ass concepts. These sorts of ideas lead to drug habits, life-endangeringly dumb Facebook fads like the drink drain cleaner challenge, shattered bones, death, or all four. As our mamas used to say, if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?

The latest trend to take over the whole goddamn world, of course, is Pokemon Go. Stories about the free-to-play app, in its first week or two of life, are already completely batshit. Did you see that stampede of people in Central Park, caused by the appearance of an elusive Charizard? Did you hear about the guys who for-real did walk off a cliff because they couldn’t take their eyes off the screen? What a time to be alive.

If you’ve played the game (which you totally have, don’t deny; I see you there, fist-pumping at your cell phone screen because a Magikarp appeared), you’ll know how it works. Via GPS, real world locations in your local area become hotspots for ‘mon hunting, or ‘Pokestops’ where you can grab items. If one of said locations happens to be your home, you could be excused for getting a little pissed about the whole thing. One dude’s reaction, though, seems a little severe to me, in a gun-totin’ sort of way.

Over Florida way, a homeowner admitted to firing a handgun at two teens who were playing the game near his house. Screenrant brings us the skinny, courtesy of Sheriff’s Office spokesman James Troiano:

‘The man has admitted to having procured a handgun and approaching (their) vehicle, which Troiano says he (the unnamed man) then fired “several shots” at as it sped away… the gunman claims that he first confronted the car (at gunpoint) from the front and had to dodge it as it drove away, and that he initially suspected that the teenagers may have robbed his home when he heard one ask “Did you get anything?” According to the would-be victims, they had actually been attempting to capture two Pokemon, Marowak and Tauros, listed as being somewhere in the vicinity.’

Frankly, there’s a whole catalog of worse things a couple teens could be doing, if they’re lurking around in your yard at 1:30am. Still, this Pokemon Go thing is getting out of hand. I’m convinced that it was sent to us by some belligerent alien race, to infiltrate and destroy mankind from the inside before they take over the planet.

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