Sam Robeson - November 11, 2017
Megan Fox has apparently signed a forty-five-year contract with lingerie company Frederick's of Hollywood, because once again she's back to pimp out their whore clothes to the delight of people who appreciate the finer things in life. Megan Fox was the original plasticy sassy starlet, and no matter how realistic of a Japanese sex robot Bella Hadid becomes, she will never be as bangable as OG Japanese sex robot Megan Fox. In a new Instagram pic, the thirty-one-year-old sports Frederick's hot new off-white granny Westworld brothel collection, and looks damn fine while doing so if you ask me.
Ever since Michael Bay turned out Fox for Transformers, she's been making charitable donations to my bank of spank, and I will pretty much come to her defense no matter what. She was was a bitch before it was cool and liberating to be a bitch, a slut before it was cool and liberating to be a slut, and fake ambiguously queer to get attention before it was cool to be fake ambiguously queer to get attention. A revolutionary. Now people don't get out of bed unless Ariel Winter is letting her anus areola hang out on Snapchat, and I like to think Fox helped pave the way. Plus she keeps her life private for the most part in order to care for her three kids away from the public eye. Being a mother without the validation of a twenty-four seven Insta nipple feeding frenzy? Chrissy Teigen and Pink just stroked out at the mere thought.
Frederick's of Hollywood was always the store that whore moms in Ohio shopped at in order to save their marriages to three-hundred-pound alcoholic domestic abusers. It was also the store that tried-and-true straight boys in the 2000's slowed down in front of for their anatomy lessons. While it seems like a trash brand for Fox to pimp - especially considering she doesn't promote a ton and won't be seen squishing bottles of herbal tea laxative chewables into her cleavage on Instagram - the choice is actually fitting. A tacky dated staple that I just can't quit. Match made in half-empty Ohio mall heaven.
Photo Credit: Megan Fox / Instagram