The Egotastic! Guide To Getting By During The Zombocalypse

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bill-swift - April 5, 2012

Zombies suck. Of all the threats to the survival of the human race, zombies are by far the worst. Why? You can destroy nuclear weapons, kill terrorists, and save the environment, but what can you do about zombies? Nothing! If zombie movies have taught us anything it's that there is no way to stop the undead threat. The hero and the girl might get away at the end, but for how long?

There are 7 billion people on Earth. Let's say, 1 billion humans survive the initial outbreak of the zombie virus, they are still outnumbered 6 to 1. Still, like any creature we are going to want to fight for our survival. The ancient Chinese war tactician Sun-Tzu said that in order to efficiently fight an enemy, you have to understand them. So, we at Egotastic want to equip our beloved readers with the knowledge they need to survive the least for a while.

Know Your Zombie Types

We don't know which species of zombie will be making us their lunch. Will they be the slow moving hordes from Night of the Living Dead or the super scary running zombies from 28 Days Later? This is important information. Do they fear the night like the creatures in I Am Legend or does it make them want dance like in the Thriller video? Either way, it's just best not to go out after dark. You have to approach these questions scientifically. Send out someone from your survivor group you don't like. Take notes on how the zombies tear him apart. Then don't do that.

Wear A Hardhat

Zombies love brains the way stoners love Hot Pockets. They are never not in the mood for delicious grey matter. In some zombie legends, the hypothalmus or the cerebral cortex are what the zombies live on. Your intestines are just an appetizer. So, wear a hardhat or a helmet. Zombies are stupid, so they won't think to knock it off your head. If they try to bite into your skull, they are going to lose some teeth. See if you can get one of those cool WWI German helmets with the spike on the end.

Don't Use A Gun

One zombie isn't all that dangerous, but a thousand zombies are. I live in New York, where there are something like two thousand people per square block. The last thing I want is to alert all of the zombies in the surrounding area where I am. It's like ringing the dinner bell. Instead, stick to silent weapons: swords, bats, axes, spears, shovels, etc. If a walker gets into your safe house, you can swiftly and quietly take off his head with a ax without alerting anyone. Forget the second amendment. The right to bear arms is only going to lead to your arms being torn off. So, put away the guns, bubba.

Head For The Hills

Get the hell out of the city. If you are in LA, there are 3,700,000 potential mouths to fend off. But, if you head up to the mountains at Big Sur, you can hide up in the St. Lucia mountains indefinitely. Find some rich dude's house, dig a moat around it, fill it with spikes, then enjoy the rich dude's wine cellar. A zombie would have to wander for days on foot and up a mountain to get to you. He would starve to death before he got anywhere near you. In I Am Legend, Will Smith lived in a penthouse by Washington Square park in NYC and it was "yo, homes smell you later" for him.

Wait It Out

If you followed our directions and are locked inside some rich guy's house on a mountaintop, surrounded by a spike filled moat, with a samurai sword by your side, all you have to do is wait. Zombies are dead, which means they are decaying. Eventually, putrefaction will make them literally fall apart. Also, they will run out of food at some point. After they have eaten all the humans around, they will have depleted their food supply. Whether by starvation or rot, after a few months the zombocalypse will be over. Hopefully, you picked up a hot girl in your survivor group. Now, be fruitful.

Article By Jack Tomas >

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