chris-littlechild - December 29, 2012
We could have dubbed this a ‘retrospective,' but that shit carries all manner of educational connotations. Having just expunged the piss-puddles and vomit left on our carpets by inebriated holiday houseguests -and with the drunkiest, migrainiest night of the year impending on Monday- do you want us to propel ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE-FACTS into your alcohol-addled skulls?
You do not. That can suck King Kong's huge hairy mansack, you'd say. We'd concur, and curse you for the mind-image of immense primate-penis that is now irrevocably burnt onto our retinas.
What we do have here, for your delectation, is a quick checklist of the year's most man-tastic gaming releases. Should any of the dudely dudes among the Egotastic! legions have missed any, we'd venture that shaving your scrote with the carving knife from the Christmas roast will do for penitence; we'll all be friends again.
Pictorial evidence of such is not required, we'll take your word for it.
Let's behold, then, the virtual highlights of 2012, before we give the year the eternal, drunken middle finger in four days.
31 January- Soul Calibur V. Fighting game/jiggling jugs aficionados were indubitably watching this latest Soul Calibur closely (with one hand on their manparts, presumably). The bootacular credentials of this franchise are rivaled only by the two jello desserts trampolining on the moon wobble-o-chesticles of Dead or Alive.
7 February- Resident Evil: Revelations. An anomalous 'mature' title among Nintendo's family-friendly frolics, Revelations made its inaugural (and thus far only) appearance on the 3DS. It is primarily set upon a derelict ocean liner, the S.S Queen Zenobia; a locale replete with that tangible miasma of claustrophobia and GAH! THERE'S A ZOMBIE BITING ON MY BOLLOCKS! unheralded since the early, Spencer Mansion days of the series. Your aggressors, 'the Ooze,' are some of the ugliest bastards gaming proffered in 2012.
15 May- Max Payne 3. This guy is the forefather of ‘bullet time' wonderment. This mechanic would later see an array of protagonists performing impossible, look at my wiener pants-splitting feats of gymnastic prowess VERY SLOWLY INDEED. Having been conspicuously absent since Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne in 2003, the reboot of this much-vaunted TPS series was unleashed in May. It's a rollicking, bollock-ing free-roaming shooter, akin to Grand Theft Auto in its aesthetic and sensibilities.
12 June- Lollipop Chainsaw. A gleeful, panty shot-infused billet doux to retro beat 'em ups, from ever-unhinged developer Suda 51. As an amply-bosomed blonde cheerleader -in a slutty maid costume if you so wish. Which you do, your gonads told us so- you must curtail the threat of a zombie invasion. You'll be aided and abetted by the disembodied head or your erstwhile objet d'lust, Nick, who now deigns to hang from your hips and talk incessant unadulterated bollocks. Genocidal chainsaw to the rotting crotch murder has never been so endearing cute.
14 August- Sleeping Dogs. It's fairly moot to introduce this Ego-favorite, which again evokes the inherent freedom of Grand Theft Auto. It sports a remarkably expansive cityscape -allegedly Hong Kong- and a liberating mission structure, bolstered by a deftly-tuned combat system. Conversely, with regards to Rockstar's effort, hand-to-hand contretemps are the order of the day. Firearms may be collected, but their presence is mitigated to the point of fleeting power ups. With Wei Sheng's renegade cop fists of punchy justice alone, though, the combat is sufficiently varied. Utilizing environmental elements to shove a foe's blood-bleeding face into a fish tank, for instance, is visceral, intuitive and brutally brilliant.
25 September- Dead or Alive 5. Team Ninja's most content-replete, jiggly jaunt yet. These infamously nork-centric shenanigans constitute a further resurgence for the fighting genre. The simple joy of punching somebody's nutsack until they fall over has been recently revitalized by Street Fighter IV, and reboots-amundo have resulted. Dead or Alive 5 remains the first of these to augment the booby-bouts with a ‘competitor's clothing becomes increasingly transparent as they fight' sweaty nip-tastic component, though. Huzzah!
2 October- Resident Evil 6. Controversy-courting as this iteration was, there can be no refuting that it was among the pantheon of highest-profile releases of 2012. Heralding returning series stalwarts (Leon S. Kennedy, Chris Redfield, Sherry Birkin and Ada Wong are all playable for protracted periods of the campaigns), a veritable smorgasbord of gunplay and a massive feculent shitstorm of terrible new ideas from the depths of Satan's ass are to be indulged in here. Critics and players alike continue to fight to the death in the streets and/or insult the weight problems of their counterparts' mothers over the game's merits or lack thereof, but it's quite an experience. Resident Evil 6 will merrily wave its gigantic, pendulous Hollywood cojonesin your face like a horny puppy on crack. Whether you want a massive set of dog-bollocks an inch from your eyeballs, though, is a matter of personal taste.
30 October- Assassin's Creed 3. This, it transpires, was the year of video games with a penchant for allowing us to gleefully traverse vast, shit-stained areas with scant regard for any actual objectives we may have been given (to wit: free-roaming elements). The latest iteration of the much-vaunted Assassin's Creed takes the setting of the American Revolution, and is as such, replete with angry redcoats to stab in the ass and/or rooftops to stealth around on until perturbed neighbors call the police.
6 November- Halo 4. As a dramatic denouement, we have 2012‘s twin titans of the FPS arena (presumably they're engaged in giving each other the middle finger and shitting on the others' doorstep, as rivals are often wont to do). First is Microsoft's acclaimed, future-tacular ‘killer app,' a very disparate affair sans Bungie, but still festooned with Master Chief's MASSIVE METAL HEAD on the cover.
13 November- Call of Duty: Black Ops II. A meager week later, the immortal gaming Hydra that is Call of Duty strode into view like a malevolent giant, and took a great, steaming shit on whatever else may have been rampant in the bestseller lists at that juncture. It didn't even deign to wipe its ass afterwards, as virtual celebrities of this caliber need not concern themselves with trivial matter of hygiene or social etiquette. Its engaging campaign story, superlative graphical prowess and evolutionary efforts have all been commended.