bill-swift - June 28, 2012
Dark Knight Rises comes out in theaters in a couple of weeks and nerds everywhere are peeing in their Batman underwear in anticipation. Though Christopher Nolan's Batman franchise are great films, they are still summer blockbuster superhero movies. Not that that's a bad thing. I love a good superhero movie. Not to mention the fact that they are very lucrative for the movie studios. This summer has already seen The Avengers make a gazillion dollars and Dark Knight Rises will too. I imagine a truck dumping gold into a vault where Christopher Nolan swims around in it like Scrooge McDuck. However, not all superhero movies are good or lucrative. Hollywood has created quite a few leotarded duds over the years. You can put a cape on a piece of crap and call it super, but it's still crap. Here are the worst summer superhero movies of all time.
Batman and Robin
What can I say about this movie? My friends and I went to see it in the theater and I watched a third of the audience get up and leave in the first 15 minutes. The rest of the audience spent the remainder of the film yelling, booing, and throwing stuff at the screen. The film starred George Clooney as Batman and Chris O'Donnel as Robin. The dynamic duo have never looked gayer than they did in their rubber suits with nipples. Director Joel Schumacher is clearly a sadistic monster. Why else would he be hell bent on torturing millions of people with Arnold Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze? A lot of people thought he had forever killed Batman on film. Luckily, Nolan proved them wrong. Nipple suits, people.
I could easily have put Superman IV: The Quest for Peace on here, but I think Superman III is worse. Sure, Superman IV's anti-nuclear war message and crappy effects were bad, but at least it's entertainingly bad. Superman III is just plain horrible. I'd rather you rip out my pubes with a pair of rusty pliers than sit through this abomination again. The film stars Richard Pryor, for some reason, as a hacker hired by an evil brother and sister to create a powerful supercomputer. What Richard Pryor was doing in this film is anyone's guess. Superman later turns into a whiny emo kid with a drinking problem and ends up fighting himself, literally, in a junk yard. In the movie's end game, Superman fights a synthesis of the evil sister and the computer. Her robot costume was like what my friend and I looked like when we wrapped ourselves in tin foil and pretended we were droids. This film is probably why Richard Pryor started smoking crack.
Spawn is one of the best comic book characters of the last 20 years. Todd McFarlane's dark tale of evil and redemption got a horrible movie adaptation in 1997 with Mark Dippe's Spawn. The movie stars Michael Jai White as a military man who trades his soul to Satan in order to return to Earth. That's the story from the comics, only done really really badly. White is a terrible actor. Michael Jaleel "Steve Urkel" White would have been a better choice. Add to that a bad script, a lame plot line about biological weapons, effects that look like they were made on a Commodore 64 and you have a recipe for disaster. Then you have John Leguizamo in a terrible rubber clown fat suit pretending to be evil. Give me a friggin' break.
Remember Supergirl? Probably not. This movie was so bad, even the filmmakers hate themselves for making it. The film stars hottie Helen Slater as Superman's cousin Kara Zor-El. She lives in a Kryptonian city with her family until a scientist, inexplicably played by Peter O'Toole, releases a magic cube thing called the Omegahedron into space. Kara goes after it and ends up on Earth where she becomes Supergirl. She then battles with a witch who wants to use the Omegahedron to become "Princess of Earth". While I appreciate any movie where a hot girl wears a skin tight body suit and short skirt, it's not enough to save this turd. That's saying a lot, friends.
Again, a hottie in a bodysuit does not a good movie make. 2004's Catwoman stars Halle Berry, not as Batman villain Selina Kyle, but a completely unrelated character named Patience Phillips. She works for a makeup company that is about to release an evil mascara or whatever that kills people. When she tries to stop them, they kill her. Then she is brought back to life by A FRIGGIN' CAT sent by the Egyptian goddess Bast. This movie is so bad it makes you wish that darn cat would have let her rot in peace. If the above storyline doesn't tell you how dumb this film is, perhaps Halle Berry's CGI'd butt in the clip below will convince you.