Sam Robeson - May 17, 2017
Taylor Swift has been in hiding for the past few months, fueling speculations that she's actually a slice of plain white bread in a wig that needs to be periodically swapped out due to mold. The charismatic starch has actually been porking younger British piece, the twenty-six-year-old actor Joe Alwyn. The chorus to her breakup song will be "I thought we would Alwyn, but we All-lost." The best bread can do.
The twenty-seven-year-old Swift has been deep undercover while getting some tail in London. Her North London rental is strewn with Raquel Welch wigs, Party City Groucho Marx disguise glasses, and a plastic bag so she can stay nice and moist for Alwyn. According to one of those all-reliable sources:
Taylor and Joe are the real deal, this is a very serious relationship. But after what happened with Tom Hiddleston, they were determined to keep it quiet. Taylor has flown in via private jets and her security has made it a military-like mission to prevent her from being seen. She’s been walking around with Joe in London using disguises - Nobody has a clue they’ve been walking past a music superstar – not even her new neighbours.
The source, AKA Swift, continues:
After her 1989 tour and all the attention Taylor received, she learned she had to be more protective of her personal life and she and Joe decided early on to keep their private life private.
Swift would still be sitting on the grocery store shelf if she hadn't made a career out of exploiting her fuck buddies. Date nobodies if you want to stay out of the spotlight. The men she's received into her plasticine outer vagina include Calvin Harris, Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, and Harry Styles. Well, she did the penetrating with Styles, but still. Swift isn't getting any younger considering her tween-girl appealing shtick. Alwyn looks like an even whiter slice of bread than Swift. She might have finally found the one. An empty sandwich. The universe is aligned.
Photo Credit: Splash News, Instagram