Now, in the battle of the successtastic, PS4 has the edge over Xbox One. In terms of, as Wyclef Jean would probably tell you, dollar dollar bills yo. (Read: sales.) You know that, we know that and grandma knows that. As, it seems, do Microsoft themselves.
And here’s the House of Xbox themselves, with a big ol’ middle finger to the whole situation. The theme of today’s commercial is ‘nope, we’re not effed yet.’
Who embodies that spirit better than Rocky? Nobody, that’s who. Here he is, passing on those inspirational words to his son (It ain’t about how hard you hit…) against a backdrop of Xbox One’s best upcoming releases. Halo: The Master Chief Collection, Sunset Overdrive, Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare and Assassin’s Creed Unity are featured in the brief clip.
This was a great concept, right here. We won’t even be pernickety and bitch that half of those aren’t strictly Xbox One games at all.
Online gaming, as we know, has its share of dumbassery and dickishness. It comes in assorted flavors. There’s the aspiring rapper growling BS about hos into his headset. There are the guys who eschew that sort of thing, and just have Eminem cleaning out his closet or lettin’ you finish in a minute at 1,000,000 decibels an inch from their mics.
A bigger pain in our gamer asses, though, are the trolls and griefers. FPS players in particular are surely familiar with the scourge of hatemail; woe betide anybody who dares to beat these bastards in a video game. They will whine at you. They will question your sexuality and/or your mother’s proclivity for binge-eating. They will not trouble with spelling or grammar or any of those trifles, because they’re pissed and they damn well want you to know it.
But not on Xbox One, buddy boy. Apparently. Microsoft have revealed details of the console’s upcoming reputation system, and how they will punish infractions. IGN reported today that players:
“…will only be warned at first about bad behaviour including griefing or foul language… this will quickly escalate if they don’t change. Anyone whose personal rating drops too low will find themselves repeatedly paired with gamers who have a similar status. Other privileges will also be revoked, including the ability to use Twitch functionality and broadcast.”
This will be accompanied by something similar to Xbox 360‘s Rep, with simple color-coding separating the goodly greens from the repeatedly-reported red players. The system won’t be abusable, Microsoft promise, but how the hell that’s possible remains to be seen. Hit the link for more details.
Dead Rising, as we know, isn’t used to protagonists who have actually got their shit together. Oftentimes, it’s some unfortunate Average Joe, wandering into a zombie-infested crapstorm and improvising to survive. They’ll fashion a crude weapon from assorted household implements like MacGyver, and start merrily ramming it into zombie gonads. That’s just how things are done around here.
So what happens when a man-tastic Spec Ops dude crashes the party? Operation Broken Eagle happens, that’s what.
The first slice of Dead Rising 3 DLC has hit Xbox One, introducing us to Commander Kane. This guy knew he was having a bad day from the moment a zombie fired a rocket straight into his effing face (a pretty big indicator of a craptacular day, right there), and it’s about to get a whole lot worse.
Take a look above, as Kane faces off with the festering horde. Sometimes with actual proper guns, sometimes by getting into the Dead Rising spirit and bashing them in the teeth with a shovel. Either way, we’re on board. Check out the Operation Broken Eagle DLC for the new character’s side story, plus exclusive weapons and a custom vehicle.
No, seriously. Which is it? We can’t effing tell.
Both of the much ballyhooed next generation consoles have arrived now, and there’s one thing that’s plain: technically, there’s little to choose between them. As Mr. Resident Evil, Shinji Mikami, told Edge Magazine:
“We only need one console. Why do I have to make two versions of a game? And when Xbox One was first announced it had lower specs than PS4, but now they’re almost identical… so either will do.”
‘Either will do’ may not be the most ballbusting of jargon, but this guy is the inventor of the Jill Sandwich. If he doesn’t know his shit, who the hell does? So there it is: the specs are much of a muchness. Mr. Mikami has spoken.
Nevertheless, some of us won’t rest until they know their console of choice has more teraflops, gigabytes and doohickeys rammed up its USB port than the other. Just for those guys, IGN have prepared a little next-gen Call of Duty comparison. On Youtube. Where the difference is even less perceptible than it already was. Huzzah!
Somewhere among the Internet’s vast repertoire of animal JPEGs, you’ll find Toilet Paper Kitty. Toilet Paper Kitty has clawed the hell out of someone’s two-ply supply, and left the remains strewn all over their hall. The picture is captioned because ‘eff you, that’s why.
No, we’re not drunk (although the novelty clock in the office hasn’t moved from ‘beer o’clock’ since 2002), and this is relevant to something. You see, it’s exactly that mentality that causes the bizarre new-console-destruction thing. Sometimes, a friend/relative is on hand to say something like, ‘hey, that’s a brand new $500 console! Why don’t you, y’know, stop being such a dick all the time,’ but when they aren’t, out comes the sniper rifle and the explosives, and that spangly new Xbox One is being destroyed real good.
It’s like a huge middle finger to everybody who will fall foul of a holiday console shortage. A deeply badass fiery middle finger, we’ll concede, but still. Thanks, RatedRR, for being as meticulous as you are ridiculous. You just about edge out dOvetastic to win ‘Best Destroyer of Gadgetry For No Possible Reason At All’ at the Dumbassery Awards.
As we all know damn well, there are some things modern man just doesn’t have time for. Waiting for a replacement for a faulty console is one of those things. Who wants to spend an hour trying to articulate their problem to a non-English-speaking customer support staffer? No bastard, that’s who. Nuts to it.
It’s an issue facing several early adopters of the Xbox One. Gamers are reporting a disk drive problem, described as “frankly, the thing’s making a whole ‘effin’ lot of noise, right here.” With Microsoft offering a free game to those affected, it’s quite plainly a widespread issue. So, the question is: have you tried… punching your newly-purchased, $500 console? Punching it real good?
Well, no you haven’t, because you’re not mad, mad bastards. You’re not Dave D, badass renegade dude with no ‘effs to give. Dave and his balls of steel took radical, internet-forum-recommended steps to ‘repair’ his defective device. Steps such as, in his own words, …lift it about a foot above a surface and slam it down three times. What could possibly go wrong?
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Last time we ventured into Ryse: Son of Rome’s toga-wearing, orgy-having world, a little of the game’s storyline was explained. It’s to be an epic tale of vengeance, warfare, pissed-off generals and those ostentatious helmets with the red feathery bits down the back. So far, so dramatic/so Gladiator.
With the Xbox One releasing this very Friday, though, all the stops must be pulled out. The shit must hit the fan. Trailers must become… launch trailers. So feast your eyes, ears and bodily orifices on this one.
Only extensive play will determine whether the relentless combat is entertaining or horribly samey, but Ryse certainly puts on a show. The glistening pectorals of the Roman legions have never looked so good (and Egotastic has never been so homo-erotic). It’s every inch the visual powerhouse, and perhaps the most graphically impressive of all the next-gen launch titles. Take a look above, as a freed female barbarian causes all manner of problems for our manly-skirt-wearing friends.