Star Wars

Dead Obi-Wan Kenobi to Join Dead Emperor Palpatine in ‘Star Wars 7′?

Return of another Jedi

Earlier this week we told you about the rumor floating around out there that Emperor Palpatine will be returning in some capacity for Star Wars: Episode VII. Now there is word that another dead but beloved character might be coming back, too: Obi-Wan Kenobi.

‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Rumors: Emperor Palpatine Up In This Bitch?

Is the character of Emperor Palpatine returning for Star Wars: Episode VII? It would seem unlikely considering Darth Vader threw him down the friggin’ Death Star’s reactor shaft. But that’s the rumor currently sweeping the Interwebs thanks to Jedi NewsAccording to their ‘unnamed source,’ Ian McDiarmid will return for Episode VII as the senator-turned-Sith. Then again, an ‘unnamed source’ told me that a topless Kate Upton will be playing the queen of the Ewoks in the new trilogy, so in the words of Walter White, maybe we should ‘tread lightly’ in regard to these rumors from unnamed sources.


John Williams Will Score the New ‘Star Wars’ Films (Unless He Dies)

Please don't die!

We’ve got some good news and some bad news about the planned Star Wars sequels.

The good news is that composer John Williams has agreed to score the films. The bad news is that he’s eighty-f*cking-one-years old, which means that he could peace out at any moment. Considering the first film isn’t even due until 2015, there’s a very real possibility that he won’t be around for all three. And that would not be good

After all, where would Star Wars be without his iconic music? Hell, ‘Duel of the Fates’ is the only tolerable part of Phantom Menace. Hopefully I’m just being negative, and Williams will live to be 135. But just in case, they better get him the the studio tomorrow. The clock is ticking.

Lucasfilm’s Kathleen Kennedy Talks ‘Star Wars VII’ Without Saying a Goddamn Thing

You'll get jack and like it, Nerds.

I don’t envy the position that Kathleen Kennedy is in — she probably spends her day in a Faraday cage surrounded by body guards, lest some precious tidbit about Star Wars: Episode VII reach the internet. Seriously, she’s got to be knee deep in mouthbreathing stalkers who just want to know if they’re going to see four nanoseconds of Boba Fett. But, at least in formal interviews, she could throw us a tiny bone?

Nope; she’s got her lips sealed tighter than a Gungan’s butthole (They live under water? Get it?). Which is why it’s not shocking that she said absolutely nothing of consequence this weekend at Star Wars Celebration Europe — that continent’s nerdiest event since the last Rush tour. In an interview with forever-Willow Warwick Davis, she said, among other useless things:

We’re going to find some very cool locations that we’re going to use in support of Episode VII. And I think we’re probably going to end up using every single tool in the toolbox to create the look of these movies.

Which is basically like saying, ‘Hey guys, we’re making a movie and we’re using things and places to make that movie. Can I go now?’

So, yeah, and if a hutt had wings it wouldn’t drag its tail when it slithered. Thanks for nothing.

‘The Ryan Gosling Star Wars Rumors Are Bullshit,’ Claims Man Who Gets Paid To Lie

Would you like some thighs with your lies?

Earlier today, the Internet was buzzing with rumors about Ryan Gosling playing Luke Skywalker’s son in the upcoming Star Wars trilogy.

But a rep for the actor is denying the claims which originated at Latino Review. It’s not much of a stretch to believe that Latino Review got something wrong. But at the same time, Gosling’s (unnamed) reps get paid to lie for a living, and on top of that, they allegedly sent their denial to The Huffington Post, which isn’t exactly a bastion of journalistic integrity. In other words, this whole thing is one big bullshit sandwich, and if it were possible, I’d believe everyone involved was lying.

Other juicy bits of nonsense include the rumor that Leonardo DiCaprio passed on the role, and that Zac F*cking Efron is also being considered. I never thought fanboys would be able to hate a character more than Jar Jar Binks, but it that Efron rumor turns out to be true, I might have to change my opinion.

Chewbacca Probably Knocked Up Princess Leia, According to Carrie Fisher

Aim for the small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port.

We’ve got big news on the Star Wars Episode VII front. According to Princess Leia herself (a.k.a. actress Carrie Fisher), she and Han Solo are married with children in the new sequels. However, there’s trouble in paradise, as one of the kids looks a little too much like Han’s ‘loyal’ sidekick, the mighty Chewbacca.

What a Wookiee!

But don’t take my word for it. Read what Fisher had to say to Yahoo! Movies UK.

Han Solo and I have been unhappily married for many years, and so we speak through the wookiees and use a translator.

Of course, C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication. But even then, I’m not sure he’d get through to a woman in the midst of a relationship crisis…

I regularly say to R2 ‘Tell that son of a bitch to ***!’ And we have children, but one of them looks a lot like Chewbacca, and we use Yoda, who’s regenerated on a planet somewhere, for marital therapy. I urge Chewie to get waxed for sure!

Granted, we’re 99.9% sure she’s just f*cking with us, but the sad fact remains that if this really was the plot, the film would still make a billion dollars. In fact, I’d rather watch this than Episodes I & II. So go ahead, Disney. Get stupid with it.

‘Star Wars Episode VII’ Casting Has Begun! Officially Confirmed By Exclusive Confirmation Officials

Anyone casting for an 8 foot Wookie?

Begun the Speculation Wars have. The internet crapped itself yesterday when Deadline reported leaked casting calls for the seventh Star Wars installment. Apparently, Disney’s Star Wars (we still get a little queasy when we type that) casting people sent out official calls for seven actors. They are as follows:

1) A young man aged between 20 and 25, witty and smart, fit but not classically handsome.  2) Man in late twenties, also fit, but this one is handsome and confident.  3) Late teenage girl, independent, good sense of humour, also physically fit.  4) Second young female, also late teens, tough, smart and physically fit.  5) Man in his forties, obviously physically fit, this one is a military type.  6) A man of around thirty or so, this one is an intellectual type.  7) A guy aged around seventy, strong opinions and tough.

The news has been out long enough for every nerd, geek, dweeb and spazz to go hog wild on every inkling of a rumor, notion or half-thought. The film isn’t even supposed to go into production until January 2014 or hit theaters until the year after that, so we can expect more and more internet breakdowns as every piece of this process is scrutinized ad nauseam.

By the way, many Bothons died to bring you this report (and by ‘Bothons’ we mean ‘mouse buttons’ and ‘died’ we mean ‘clicked’).