Oh, Kim Kardashian. Every day I wake up, make some coffee, pour myself a bowl of Cap’n Crunch and ask myself, “How will Kim show off her splendid funbags today?” I am never disappointed. Today’s entry in the ongoing battle between Kim and clothes is this see-through dress. You can see the exact outline of her Kardashinips because, like most days, Kim forgot to wear a bra. In fact, I would go so far as to say that Kim despises bras more than any other woman in the world. What Earthly object of cotton, silk, and wire could hope to contain such magnificent orbs of lady flesh? None, that’s why she doesn’t wear them. That Kanye is one lucky bastard. He gets unlimited access to those badboys whenever he wants.
Some people have all the luck. All that we mere mortals can do is stare at her sweater hams and dream of the day when all women have ta-tas like Kim and bras are a thing of the past.
Boobtacular superstar Kate Upton was showing off her black bra in a see-through shirt while in New York City. I’m assuming that the shirt is supposed to be transparent as it also has a bunch of rips in it. The result is a fairly clear view of those legendary funbags. Kate’s ta-tas should be in some kind of booby hall of fame. They are seriously in the top three best racks on the planet and I should know. I consider myself a connoisseur of the boobtastic arts. It’s literally my job to talk about boobs all day and I could wax rhapsodic about Kate’s chi-chis till dawn. But I will spare you my bad poetry. What I will say is that Kate should only wear shirts you can see through. That or bikinis or just underwear. Or nothing, whatever she prefers.
How was she in New York and no one told me? I would have gladly put on pants and schlepped into Manhattan if I got to ogle those lady melons bopping down the street.
I kind of have a big crush working these days on Lizzy Caplan. It might most certainly be related to seeing her in so many making of the sexy scenes in Masters of Sex. Mmm, topless Hebrew School Hotties. It’s like a dream.
Lizzy is a bit more conservative, though still quite nipply in her new pictorial in Bust magazine. I know, you love the periodical just by name alone. Me too. And seeing Lizzy just hanging out in the boudoir and looking like one awesome girl next door slash girlfriend, that’s kind of special too. Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age. I really need to see somebody professionally about this thing I’m developing for girls with their clothes still on. Lizzy, call me. I’m very sweet way deep down. Way way. Enjoy.
Kendall Jenner is now model mode full time. Whatever it is she was before, she’s now 100% fashion model completely with showy catwalks and revealing outfits and that distant model gaze. She’s kind of perfect for this job. You might say she was born for it, if not bred and reared. And, quite frankly, she looks pretty damn hot (not to mention tall and lean) showing off some funbag flesh in Paris. I don’t see why she can’t legitimately make it as a fashion model, and all the skills that that entails. She was certainly launched by her famous family name, but she seems to have the real chops for this kind of posing and strutting.
Kendall, I remember when you were just an innocent young Kardashian. Actually, I don’t remember that. But I do remember when you said you wanted to do something on your own, completely different from the rest of your family. Nothing could be more distant from big-boob show modeling and reality show stardom than being a celebrity fashion model. I applaud you and your underboobs. Well done. Enjoy.
British hottie Jodie Gasson shook her stuff in a topless striptease photoshoot. She started out wearing a see-through mesh top, giving you a preview of her extraordinary funbags. Then she took it off, (it is a striptease themed shoot after all), and there they were, her lovely giant naturals. At least, I think their natural. It doesn’t really matter, they are great. Jodie is curvy, which I really like. My grandfather always told me that you can’t trust a woman who is too skinny and doesn’t have boobs or butt. These are words I live by. Jodie also has a fantastic booty to go with her jugs. If Jodie really was stripping at the local boob emporium I would spend my entire paycheck getting lap dances and hoping to motorboat those luscious ta-tas.
In the meantime, we have these pictures to indulge our Jodie related fantasies.
Amanda Wellsh and her fantastic ta-tas were on display in an arty topless black and white shoot for next month’s Lui Magazine. She wore a variety of weird outfits that either lacked a bottom or exposed her boobies. I’m not kidding, y’all, her funbags are a sight to behold. They are perfectly round. Other boobs would get drawn into orbit around Amanda’s boobs because of their perfect sphereness. Yes, I know I just invented that word. But it’s the only way to describe the magnitude of her yum yums. She’s also got a phenomenal booty. The kind of derriere that inspires poets to write butt related sonnets. It too is perfectly round. Amanda is really tall and skinny which gives her an elegant look even when she’s totally nekkid. She’s classy nekkid.
I do so enjoy a sublime pair of knockers. Isn’t that what makes life worth living?
And the hits and something that rhymes with hits keeps on coming from the unusually operating peeps at 138 Water. This time, in the wet and alluring beach guise of model Ashley Lee and her very transparent top and little bikini bottom. Oh, Ashley is a naughty girl who pours her overpriced bottled water not sold in any stores all over her shirt by accident. I’m ready to play into this little action adventure setup. I’ll be the evil wizard who takes control of her motor skills by crooked spell and causes her to keep pouring. Not that I’ve put any thought into this.
Ashley Lee, at some point, you’re going to need a strong, but gentle man to pat you dry. Please, allow me. It’s only what I went to the Learning Annex to learn how to do better than anyone else on this planet. Small dabs, circular motions, high thread count pima cotton towels. I’m your man. Skype me under PERVERT6969. I’ll answer. Enjoy.