Resident Evil Posts:

‘Resident Evil’ Takes their Viral Campaign to the Stock Market–Plus a New TV Spot (VIDEO)

By Hazel Chua | September 10, 2012 @ 7:22 am

The Ultimate Battle Begins!

With barely a week before Resident Evil: Retribution hits theaters, the Umbrella Corporation has finally made the crossover to the real world. A press release was issued today announcing that the fictional corporation has just issued an initial public offering for its common stock, pricing each share at $25.

The altruistic mandate behind the IPO launch is to increase funding to allow for expansion of The Umbrella Corporation’s global infrastructure, with the goal of offering all shareholders a unique opportunity to be part of the corporation’s life changing developments.

The corporation is described as being involved in "advanced research and development that includes clinical trials, scientific testing, and drug creation" with the goal of "improving the health and condition of mankind and complete eradication of human suffering." If you've seen the trailer, then you'll know that this is absolutely false because the Umbrella Corporation is actually the big villain here.

If you don't mind getting your hands filthy with blood money, then you can head on over to the viral site so you can print off your own shares of Umbrella Corporation's stock.

When you've filed your stock certificates away, check out the new IMAX TV spot for the movie in the player above. Enjoy!

What in Holy Hell Happened to Chris Redfield?

By Chris Littlechild | May 15, 2012 @ 11:31 am

Chris Redfield narrowly qualifies for a protagonist in Resident Evil’s peculiar character-switcheroo universe. He was present at the exemplary opening of the series, and continues to prominently feature today. (The man’s dubious appeal seems eternal, like a remarkably resilient case of crabs. Redfield is indeed the ball-itch that never goes away. Alas, no amount of antibiotics to the penis will expunge this tedious meathead.) I’ve noticed, though, an odd process of metamorphosis taking place as the series advances. Not in the character-development department (he exudes all the personality of a skid mark, as ever), but something rather more insidious and disturbing.

In the original Resident Evil, we met a standard-human-sized, albeit somewhat muscular, STARS member. ( Logically speaking, that’s human-sized in the peculiar four-inch homunculus dwelling in a television set sense, but we shan’t be pernickety.) He could kick my ass, sure, but he didn’t look anything out of the ordinary at this point. Moreover, my ass was recently kicked by a terrifying tag-team of a small girl with a jump rope and her pet mouse, so I’m not the best strengthometer. (In my defence, that was undoubtedly the most belligerent rodent I’ve ever met. I can still hear Nancy and her pigtails of impending violent death taunting me: “Go, Sharon! Rip his balls off! Get your tiny fangs right in there!” Quite possibly the smallest creature that ever made me shit myself. And in a flash of pain, shame and mangled testicles, I swore never to pass the infant school again.) Hastening back to the point, Redfield was content to indulge in a spot of the most excruciating dialogue ever conceived. Case in point: the defeat of the mutated Plant 42, and “We got to the root of the problem.” Inexplicably, the reply “For the sake of Satan’s scrotum, Chris! Whenever you open your mouth, moron comes out!” (It really does, this is actual knowledge-fact. It’s positively palpable, like the mist that forms with your breath on a cold day. Except instead of pretending to be a dragon and/or illicit smoker, you instead make everyone within earshot want to vomit. In your mouth. Before crapping in there. They’d have right on their side if they did, what with your heinous language-crimes and pitiful puns) was cut from the game. It’s truly nut-numbingly awful voice acting throughout. Go and take another look at the hilarity-infused encounter between Chris and Wesker, you’ll shit.

For his appearance in the fifth game, Redfield has apparently spent the intervening years in the gym. Not even stopping for a dump. (Although he did pause to touch himself whilst admiring his own visible-from-space, ungainly mega-biceps in the mirror once or twice.) Why this Hulkification (begone, spell check! This is no business of yours!) was deemed necessary, I can’t imagine. It does seem rather in keeping with his tenuous new action-hero status. After all, that bigass three-tonne boulder isn’t going to punch itself, is it? ("Indeed I am carrying a myriad of high-powered weaponry. Theoretically, they could remove this obstacle without me resorting to such illogical shenanigans. But I ask you, hypothetical conversation dude, would I get my own wtf did I just see? cutscene that way? Would I? I would not. Therefore... TASTE MY RIGHTEOUS FIST OF AIN’T-GOT-TIME-TO-BLEED, TESTICLES LIKE CANNONBALLS POWER! REVERE ME, LOWLY MORTALS! Are you revering? Show me your revering face. A little more... Put your balls into it, man! A little more... perfect.”) At this juncture, Sheva stealths away from the bathroom doorway, distinctly disturbed, having heard Chris bellowing this to himself while taking a piss. In seconds, she’s on the phone seeking a transfer to another assignment. Next, she sends the guys with the white coats and gigantic butterfly net after Redfield. He’s soon ensnared, caught by a combination of their fiendish machinations, a bear trap, and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. As we know, crazies love cheese and onion.

Video Game Pets Mom Would Have Hated: The Licker

By Chris Littlechild | April 13, 2012 @ 11:48 am

Back to the dank and disturbing bowels of Resident Evil we go. Today’s member of the mutant menagerie is the Licker. While this chap is just as frightful and spine-rippingly murderous as anything else you’ll encounter in the series, there’s a certain aspect that seems to set it apart.

Zombies are, quite bluntly, thick as pigshit in a bucket. While they sometimes manage to catch you unawares by lurking in darkened rooms, (or in one instance, bursting out of a wardrobe with the grace and haste of a frightened foal) this is entirely coincidental. These bastards live in darkened homes, so there’s really no advance planning involved here. There’s nary a light switch to be found, even if they had the smarts to flip one. Which they don’t. Lickers, by contrast, are intelligent chaps indeed. I like to imagine them at MENSA meetings, running a thoughtful claw across their bloody, fleshless chins as they ponder the brainteaser du jour. Leaving a snail-trail of gore behind them on arising, to the eternal chagrin of the assembled smartasses. The pus/bile/blood/general unpleasantness these guys ooze is surely a bitch to purge from fine leather upholstery.

Lickers are amazingly ninja-esque. They hang silently from ceilings, awaiting the hapless fool who blunders underneath. They then set upon them, like one of those falling micro-spiders girls scream at inexplicably. Except instead of a couple millimetres of harmless arachnid, the result is giant razor-tongue and claws to the face. As a home defense against prowlers, this is sure to prove effective. It may be a touch melodramatic, if I’m honest. Rather surplus to most homeowner’s requirements. As some kind of police dog mark II, though, I think we’re on to a winner.

Albert Wesker: Why We Love the Red-Eyed Freak

By Chris Littlechild | April 9, 2012 @ 2:07 am

It’s an odd fact of gaming life that the bad guys are often the most cherished. No matter what heroic jaunt you’re sent on with the main character, the villain of the piece can be the most memorable personality. Largely, it’s a matter of charisma. How else can one explain Chucky having fans? Or support for slash-happy psychopath Freddy Krueger instead of the screaming teenagers he’s eviscerating? I’ve heard of cinema screenings where every gruesome kill was wildly applauded by the audience. Now, this could have been a room full of crazies with a terrifying brand of fetish the police should be notified about. I prefer to think of it as the inexplicable X-factor, something that draws us to this vast menagerie of evil entities.

Albert Wesker, steroid-addled loon and general nasty bastard, is a case in point. He first appeared in the original Resident Evil, leading the team that becomes stranded in the mansion. In the early stages of the game, he hasn’t advanced to full-on malevolence. He instead settles for shiftiest dude in the history of shifty dudes mode. Modus operandi: telling the squad to investigate an area (where ball-biting beasts are surely lurking). He’d love to help, he explains, but has something highly important to attend to... somewhere else. (Combing his Duke Nukem hair, most likely. Man, those two looked like doppelgangers in 1998. What’s that about?) He then pisses off on this enigmatic note. There was probably some fiendish cackling and hand-rubbing as well. Villains love that shit.

Later, he pretends that being utterly savaged by an enormous mutant-ogre-thing was all part of the plan. The guy's acting skills are revealed to be thoroughly toilet. (“WHAT? Don’t come this way! NO!”) He’s then reincarnated like Jesus. If Jesus pumped himself full of a shitload of drugs. Which I doubt. I’m a little hazy, sunday school was a long time ago.

Video Game Pets Mom Would Have Hated: Cerberus

By Chris Littlechild | March 9, 2012 @ 3:06 pm

Not the underworld-guarding three headed dude (although that would admittedly make quite a pet) sadly. This Cerberus is the Resident Evil one, the actual term for those beasts you may well know as those damn zombie dogs.

It's another creature you'll have issues with feeding. Cerberuses (internet nerdery assures me that's actually the term) are pack hunters, which are rarely found alone. Their preferred prey is, it seems, people. As such, the first thing you'll want to do when considering getting one of these is a quick call to a pet food store. Some of the meat in those cans is utterly unidentifiable, so you never know who or what might be inside. With what looks like a mixture of gristle and horse balls as the usual fare, man-meat would probably be an improvement.

While an undead dog sounds like quite a cool animal to own, there's the unwelcome geek factor to consider. In the parent's basement, Star Trek T-shirt corners of the internet, a judgement has been made. It seems that Cerberus is only the term for the purpose-created bio weapons. Mere zombie dogs, meanwhile, are just unfortunate animals infected by the virus outbreak. To the naked eye, there's absolutely no difference at all. Perhaps you need to be looking through incredibly thick prescription glasses. In any case, you don't want to be flaunting your new best friend under the wrong name. Nobody wants mockery from a horde of angry nerds. Come to think of it though, with a few four-inch-long angry canine's canines in their gonads, they may not be so quick to remind you of the distinction.

The Undead Invasion of Video Games

By Chris Littlechild | February 17, 2012 @ 3:30 pm

For some time, zombies in video games were associated with only one franchise: Resident Evil. The shambling monstrosities in the 1996 classic were so iconic that they defined the undead horde for a generation of players. Recently, though, they've begun to show their rotting faces in many titles. It's become de rigueur for designers to populate their games with a range of variations on rejects from Michael Jackson's Thriller, but why?

Speaking of Resident Evil, perhaps the series' new direction is a factor. The fourth and fifth game were entirely shambler-free, pitting you against agile, human opponents. Some players reacted badly to this, feeling that zombies were the lifeblood of the franchise and the atmosphere would be ruined without them. (Funny how attached you can get to the living dead, but you know how diehard fans can be). There was clearly a demand for the return of our favourite brain-eaters.