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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Balloon Fight

By Chris Littlechild | April 18, 2012 @ 10:05 pm

Balloon Fight arrived for the NES in 1984. It must be firmly shunted into the genre marked other, because you don’t see this kind of sheer balls-out weirdness often. The core gameplay is reminiscent of uber-geeky arcade title Joust, with an attempt at family-friendly presentation. (Which failed miserably.) It seems primary coloured and pleasant at first glance, but there are deeply questionable undertones. Balloon Fight, then, is the murderous clown from IT, friendly until you approach the sewer it’s lurking in. Then the benevolent veneer vanishes, and it gleefully eats your face off.

In terms of plot, the game takes a pissed soap opera writer approach. To wit, anything resembling a storyline is viciously purged. You’re a little dude with two balloons, wearing something that looks like Mario’s dungarees and a matching swimming cap. In the primary mode, you and your balloons/alluring ensemble pass through a series of stages. These are populated by other amateur aeronauts. You pass to the next area by mercilessly destroying the other guys. One button will send you soaring skywards, while the other needs some relentless mashing or precision presses depending on the situation. Aiming for one of the opponent’s balloons from above will burst one, with the second hit sending them plummeting into the sea below. These bastards can do the same to you, so float carefully. It’s also worth mentioning that they are either hideous mutant weevils from some unholy subterranean lair, or other little kids wearing masks of some sort. Abysmal blocky graphics make it impossible to tell. But whether innocent children or terrifying monstrous midgets, your goal is unchanged: mangle them all.

I haven’t tried the multiplayer, but I don’t doubt that it sucks just as hard (ie the combined strength of a Dyson showroom). Beyond this, your other option is balloon trip mode. Here, there are none of the aforementioned weevil-children to oppose you. Instead, you leave the small arenas behind and are unleashed upon an endless stretch of sky. You try to reach the furthest distance possible, all the while avoiding death by clouds and shiny things. I can’t fathom what the shiny things are, (stars? UFOs? Top secret military technology, like those rumoured stealth planes?) but suffice it to say that they’re positively innumerable and kill you horribly on contact. Also, falling too close to the sea below will summon the giant fish of instantaneous death. This bastard is like the Grim Reaper himself, but slightly less cheery. No pleas, no bargaining, just a quick devouring. Terrifying stuff indeed.

Lost in Translation: The Funniest Gaming Gaffes (Episode 3- An Enigmatic ‘Error’)

By Chris Littlechild | April 15, 2012 @ 12:32 pm

NES title Zelda II: The Adventure of Link is pretty ass. It introduced a couple of mechanics that didn’t sit comfortably at all with players, like experience points and the abysmally awkward side-scrolling presentation. In a series as renowned as this, hindsight reveals these to be wildly disparate elements as welcome as Freddy Krueger’s romps into your average REM cycle. However, it is fondly remembered for one thing. As is occasionally the case, a skimpily-dressed beardy dude’s appearance serves to preserve some credibility.

Link strides into another stranger’s home with carefree abandon, the cheeky bastard. Here he finds the famous fatass, who had been combing that magnificent beard or having a crap or whatever he was doing. When interrupted during these exploits, he announces with pride, “I am error.” Since witnessing this many years ago, I’ve pondered just what in the name of Satan’s ballbag this could possibly mean. Is the dude’s name actually Error? Were they going for Errol or Edgar or something, and missed slightly? Another possibility arises upon closer perusal. This enigmatic fellow doesn’t appear to be wearing any pants. We may well have burst in on this dude while he was playing with himself, and he’s trying to apologise in Link’s language. He doesn’t appear to have a masterful grasp of the intricacies of the dialect, but you can see the sincerity on his face. (At least the portion that isn’t obscured by bird’s nest beard.) Our hero seems utterly unperturbed by the man-meat being waved in his face. He knew what he was doing, the randy bugger.

Voyeurism aside, there’s also the philosophical implications of these words to consider. Am I error? Are we all error? What’s real? What isn’t? Existentialists would have a field day, or several of them, with this business. Where’s Nietzsche when you need him, with some of his baffling wisdom? ‘All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses.’ Apparently. If our pantless friend doubts his own existence, there’s a whole Vivi in Final Fantasy IX thing at play here that’s light years ahead of its time. But I’m being facetious.

Pikmin: One Man’s Love For Peculiar, Midget Plant-Aliens

By Chris Littlechild | April 14, 2012 @ 2:46 pm

Pikmin is an odd little confection that was unleashed on the Gamecube early in its life. It’s the tale of Captain Olimar, space-pygmy (that is to say, he’s four centimetres tall) and astro explorer extraordinaire. On one fateful mission, he loses control of his ship (which has that random bits of crap hammered together in a shed on a sunday afternoon Millenium Falcon feel) and crashes onto an unknown planet. He’s left stranded in a hostile atmosphere, with only thirty days of air. Days in Pikmin last about as long as it takes me to get out of bed, on a good day, so he’s pretty much knackered at this point. A matchbox-sized coffin was being arranged by his next of kin, until the deus ex machina strides magnificently into view. This takes the form of an homogenous horde of the most adorable aliens you’ve seen since E.T phoned home.

These freakish little dudes are the Pikmin. While apparently botanically-based, they raise a casual middle finger to logic by being basically humanoid once plucked from the ground. (Think Mandragora legends, but less bone-chillingly terrifying. That shit always creeped me out.) When Olimar picks each one, they dash over on their tiny stumpy-plant legs and beam emphatically at him. What does he do with his new-found adulation? Enslaves the little guys, naturally. When his ship hit the ground, it didn’t explode dramatically, burning the flesh off our hero’s bones in a catastrophic conflagration. (Nintendo frowns upon such things.) Instead, the vital components all flew apart like the aftermath of a pissed assault on a Jenga tower. If he can corral the Pikmin, explore the planet and return the pieces to his now utterly shit ex-ship, he can escape a slow unpleasant airless death. Or, indeed, a fast, equally unpleasant face-chewing death from the local wildlife.

And a monstrous bunch they are. The indigenous beasts run the gamut from giant bird-head to miniscule pig with a fire-expelling elephant trunk. It’s the kind of crap Dr. Frankenstein might have sewn together during his lunch breaks. (“My pretty...” the doctor cooed. “Now let’s attach a giraffe penis onto this shark. Don't ask why, Igor. I'm the boss, that's why.”) Oftentimes they serve as bosses of sorts, defending the next precious portion of your ride. Sometimes they’re just trundling along, licking their own balls and doing whatever else wild animals do all day. Olimar doesn’t bother distinguishing between the two, and throws ‘min on their backs to beat on their groins regardless. When your enemies fight back, though, it’s a saddening business.

Is Super Mario Bros. 4 in the Works?

By Travis Shuman | April 13, 2012 @ 9:37 pm

While Mario and friends have starred in a plethora of video game titles throughout the years, most fans still recall the best Mario moments being around the early '90s with the classic 'Super Mario Bros.' series, the favorite being Super Mario Bros. 3 that was released back in 1990. When the game was released, it was an instant hit among Mario's current fanbase and was really the title that rocketed the Italian plumber to his legendary position as a household name that he still holds today.

That Loser Luigi: How Can Super Mario Have Such a Lame Brother?

By Chris Littlechild | April 12, 2012 @ 3:11 pm

With Mario’s fame and endless streak of heroic capers, spare a thought for Luigi. The second Mario brother (Alas, his name is indeed Mario Mario, the poor bastard) has a Herculean task, living up to the standard set by the main man. Still, he sets about this endeavour in an unconventional manner: a mixture of being worthless and crapping himself repeatedly. Somehow, this has proven ineffective. Fancy that.

Starring roles for the non-porky representative of the brothers are rare indeed. In the early 90s, Mario is Missing was released. This geography-centric assfest is largely forgotten today.The premise revolves around bouncing off Koopa-heads to collect pieces of landmarks from around the world. You return each of these to its rightful location, and are then forced to endure a brief quiz related to it. Luigi appears remarkably stoical throughout, despite the fact that he must be thinking what the hell did I do to deserve being trapped in this steaming heap of horsecrap? Suffice it to say, the presence of actual facts in a video game is a heinous crime indeed. Educational titles, as we know, are second only to walking to the lav for a pee simulators in the tedium stakes.

Poor guy, always getting the dire jobs. In short, Mario’s a plumber that never actually does any plumbing. Luigi’s your man for the eight-foot floater that’s blocking your toilet. (the dire jobs pun was a delicious coincidence. I so enjoy when that happens.)

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Super Mario Kart

By Chris Littlechild | April 2, 2012 @ 2:22 am

The beloved kart racing series made its debut in 1992. Super Mario Kart is one title that I didn’t play on its original release. This left me in rather a unique situation. Often, retro games rely on the nostalgia factor to keep players interested today. The idea that I quite liked this back in the day can elevate even the most virulent turdfest of a game. Without any fond memories to cloud my judgement, I got stuck into a rare objective experience.

The first thing any new Super Mario Karter will see is how little has changed. That timeless, nigh-perfect track design (there’s a reason retro tracks have featured in every Mario Kart since, and it’s not developer laziness. Not solely that, at least) is present and correct. The same goes with the item selection, which is almost untouched. And rightly so, you can’t beat the joy of nailing a freakish mushroom-headed manchild with the legendary red shell or a perfectly aimed banana. I will take a moment to lament the feather, which is particularly awesome and enabled some stupidly ambitious shortcuts. It was never seen again, presumably because it was decided that this much greatness could actually melt the eyes of anyone fortunate enough to witness it.

Let’s not forget, too, that it’s the only game in the series to feature Donkey Kong Jr. Not the usual hairy-assed wearing a tie for some unfathomable reason monkey, mind you. We’re talking about the original, Die Hard Vest-donning dude. The only selling point you need, right there.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Excitebike

By Chris Littlechild | March 22, 2012 @ 3:37 pm

Excitebike was a launch release for the NES in 1985. It’s a racing game, casting you as Tiny Pixelly Motorbike Rider Number 1. Tiny Pixelly Motorbike Riders 2 through 4 are your mortal enemies, and the game chronicles your dramatic clashes with them.
Or, as I say, it’s a racing game. Quite an appalling one at that. As is the case with my elderly aunt Erika, the years have not been kind. More than unkind, as it turns out. The years have been utter bastards.

The game offers you a choice of Selection A or Selection B. In the first, you and your pathetic lawnmower-engined vehicle ride alone in a time trial. A quick time qualifies you for races in Selection B (alas, both modes are about as rivetting as their name suggests). This is where your opposition enters the fray, seemingly your three twin midget brothers. You’ll switch lanes furiously. You’ll try to make each other crash, just for the delicious schadenfreude of seeing this stumpy-legged fool land on his face and run comically back to his bike. You’ll think this is crap, and stop playing. You’ll be right.

It’s not that the concept is a bad one. The tracks are littered with obstacles, from a large brown puddle in the road (which I’m choosing to believe, and dearly hoping, is oil) to huge triangular... growths, frankly more tumour than hill (It’s difficult to tell what the deal really is, 80s graphics and all). The latter form jumps, which threaten to add some slight interest to the game. This is due to the need for adjusting your landing. Pressing back or forward in the air will orient you upwards or downwards. Successful positioning will grant you a time-saving perfect landing, and make you look like a stylish if distinctly blocky Evel Knievel. On the flipside, you could end up botching the jump and rolling on the floor in an embarrassing-yet-spectacular wipeout.
Again, like Evel Knievel.