Egotastic
Hershel Layton, renowned gentleman and all-round foppish top hat wearer, is one of Nintendo’s biggest recent successes. Quite disconcerting, really, when you consider that the underlying concept is as seemingly enjoyable as a violent mega-hot chili sauce enema.
The Professor is an archaeologist, albeit one you’re unlikely to ever find excavating dinosaur turds in the desert. (Video game stars often pay no mind to their day jobs. Where’s Mario when what actually appears to be a dinosaur dump is blocking your toilet? Not diving in there with a plunger, you can bet your balls on that. The best you’ll get is his answerphone message, “My apologies, I can’t shovel your shit today. I’m trying to get Peach to show me her boobs. Still. One of these days, I’ll just leave that humongous lizard bastard to have his wicked way with her. They’d better be damn good when she gets them out. My interest is rapidly waning, to be frank.” Before signing off with one of his patented moronic woohoos. We’re then left slack-jawed with wonderment that someone with facial hair so utterly, soul-crushing shit can actually be real.) If you’ll excuse the hefty digression, an oddly disproportionate amount of his office hours are whiled away with logic puzzles. Layton’s quite the lazy-ass when it comes to actually being useful at the job he’s payed for, but he can tackle a whole spectrum of canny conundrums with ease. Sure, he got the short, shit-encrusted end of the stick when it comes to talents, but this nerdiness has positively made him the stuff of Arthurian legend in the fictional world of developer Level-5.
Each of the games in the series begin with the same premise. Layton receives a letter from a rabid fan (who may or may not have rabies), containing within a problem of such balls-out insanity that nobody else could ever perceive of handling it. Our man hurries to meet the stricken unfortunate, in what is surely the most laughably dire car ever made. (It can fly, I’ll concede. Alas, it looks so ridiculous while doing so that the positive, perhaps it’s not a heap of crap effect of this is instantly negated, Like pissing on a candle.) You progress through the story by journeying across the environments and talking with the eclectic cast of utterly nuts locals. By so doing, you eventually unravel a plot that’s as bizarre as it is convoluted. Almost every one of the crazies you meet will have a brainteaser of some form or another for you. Some mathematical, some pure logic, some pure wtf absolutely no logic at all. It’s such a revelation to find a hero approaching a dilemma this way. You’ll aid Layton in endeavours of pure lunacy, ranging from discovering how the hell did that guy write to me from ten years in the future? to am I crazy, or did that castle just grow out of the goddamn ground like a brick-based magic beanstalk with a huge angry bastard at the top? Layton, I’d say, provides the very tonic gaming needed. Less problems solved by fantastical futuristic weaponry, and more solved by the power of your actual brain.
Why North America Deserves a Little Love from Inazuma Eleven
Inazuma Eleven is a wonderful and innovative RPG series for Nintendo’s DS. It’s based on an eponymous anime, so you can imagine the cartoon weirdness, giant eyes and anti-gravity hairstyles on offer. (You know the kind of thing, sabre-sharp spiked hair that could probably comfortably support a sausage on each point. You could then wander about elegant soirees as a walking hors d’oeuvre display for the guests, should the fancy take you. Much like a hedgehog, the living buffet table of the animal kingdom.) It’s a tantalising fusion of two seemingly disparate concepts, indeed the sports game/RPG genre is almost an oxymoron. But it’s an effective combination nonetheless, and it’s unfortunate that the games are still relatively unknown. As yet, they have still never made an appearance in the US.
Most fans of RPGs, whether they have a favourite team tattooed on their hairy forearm or are too lazy to even watch sports on TV without hyperventilating, will find much to enjoy here. The matches themselves are controlled by simply directing players and aiming the ball with the stylus. Special moves allow you to summon ghostly hands to ensnare an incoming opponent, stop the ball with a preposterous tidal wave, and some form of spinning madness that brings Looney Tunes’ Taz violently to mind. Suffice it to say, if they pulled these kind of shady shenanigans in real soccer games, everyone would watch it religiously. In addition, there’s all the stats and elemental business that rabid RPGers want to make sweet forbidden love to. It’s surprisingly deep and tactically nuanced, with players having advantages or disadvantages over opponents depending on their elemental allegiance. A wood player, for example, would be sure to shit, just a little, on seeing two fire players charging his way in perfect unison.
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