The Kardashian Sisters Launch Their Sears Swimsuit Line — All Hail the Airbrush!

Come on now, this is just getting out of hand. I’m willing to accept the fact that some women out there go to Sears to buy their lingerie and swimsuits. Just because it’s where I buy the tools I never use but make me feel manly, and it’s where my buddy Stephano buys the lawn seed for the grass he illegally maintains for the woman he’s been stalking now for eight months, that doesn’t mean it’s not a great store for purchasing female intimate clothing.

And I’m also willing to accept the fact that some ladies out there see the Kardashian sisters as role models, heck, 60% of people in this country believe in ghosts, and 40% think a Big Mac with a diet coke makes you skinny, there’s no accounting for certain beliefs.

But what I simply do not believe, no way, no how, is that the Kardashian girls have 26-inch waists.

I’m surprised the air-brushers in the ad office didnt’ run out of air when fixing up these three money-making merchandising machines.

Kim and Kris May Be Headed for Splitsville; My Chance to Jump in the Kardashian Money Pool

Well, take this with a grain of salt, as Egotastic! predicted this marriage of money and convenience would last a full four months past the time the magazine checks were cashed for the wedding coverage and the reality show season was wrapped, and it’s only been two months, and we are rarely wrong. However, Fox News is speculating on Splitsville for Kim Kardashian, the leading money earner of the Kardashian Klan and her near perfectly cast purse holder of a temporary husband, Kris Humphries. I can’t believe all the tears I wasted during the wedding.

But, now, the time is nigh for me to make my move. Sure, it’s crass, but that Kardashian compound throws off more cash than the U.S. mint in Philadelphia, and I’m flexible when it comes to standing on principle. Enjoy.

Born to Pimp: The Kardashian Sisters Start Vacuuming Dollars Out of Sears Customers

The Kardashian Kollection at Sears shows the limitless possibilities of combining four of the seven Deadly Sins with a hungry staff of foreign sweatshop labor.

Celebrity Guests Fleeing from Kardashian Wedding

Apparently, once word got out that Kris Jenner was flipping the switch to ‘cash bar’ at the Kim Kardashian and that other dude’s wedding, celebrities began to flee in droves. A pretty hot looking Ciara seemed to have left by herself, a snookered Lindsay Lohan desperately tried not to hurl on her five-finger discounted diamonds, Demi Lovato appeared rather chipper, and even Khloe Kardashian peeled away, desperate to find a still open Black Angus, with her younger hottie hostage half-sister, Kendall Jenner in tow

(Don’t forget to like our Free Kendall Jenner page on Facebook as we gear up for an upcoming rescue attempt of the still salvageable young lass.)

You may take note of the lack of color among the guests at the wedding, as a black and white only dress code was strictly enforced, which I think is a failure of this reboot, because in the original Godfather, they let Mama wear pink. Enjoy.

Cha-Ching! The Kardashian Wedding Production All About True Love, Er, The Benjamins

Business news services today announced the lucrative television distribution and exclusive photo licensing deal for the Kardashian Family’s top selling ‘Kim Kardashian’ unit on set in her highly publicized wedding day production. The well scripted nuptials went off without a hitch, as the Kardashians scored millions in media fees and, at some point, somebody also got married we think. It was so almost like reality we almost cried, until we discovered they were charging for tears.

Kendall Jenner And Her Older Jealous Half Sisters Get Fitted for Bridesmaid Dresses

(Don’t forget to join Egotastic’s Free Kendall Jenner movement on Facebook where we are planning her rescue.)

Well, it’s almost wedding day and that means Khloe Kardashian has been laying off the brontosaurus burgers for an entire week, as she and the rest of the full Kardashian sisters work tirelessly to fit into their form fitting dresses for the Kim Kardashian wedding/commercial production on Saturday. Of course, Kendall Jenner will eat a ton and not give a hoot.

By the way, since we haven’t mentioned it in a while , Kris Humphries — run!

Free Kendall Jenner! The Young Kardashian Offspring Impresses at Cheerleading Camp

The Egotastic! campaign to free Kendall Jenner from the commercial clutches of Kris Jenner and the Kardashian mafia hit a snag this past week as our plans to liberate the taller prettier thinner Kardashian offspring from her summer cheerleading camp was thwarted by the presence of numerous family minders and watchers. Imagine my own surprise when I crawled for hours on the floor, camouflaged beneath endless rows of teen cheerleaders trying to identify Kendall ever so discreetly, only to be denied the liberation of our charities’ sole purpose. Well, that was a mission I won’t soon forget or stop pervertedly smiling about.

Blast you, Kris Jenner, you may have won the battle, but the war rages on (I mean, carries on, ‘rages on’ might seem inappropriate when discussing a high school cheerleader). Enjoy.