Jessica Simpson

Fifty Shades Of Jessica Simpson And Other Fine Things To Ogle

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Jessica Simpson reenacts Fifty Shades of Grey because why the hell not? (Huffington Post)

Everyone likes some thigh gap, especially when it looks like this. (The Chive)

Erin McNaught‘s post-pregnancy bikini body is incredible. (WWTDD)

Paris Hilton says her boobs are not enhanced. I don’t care as long as they look like this. (TMZ)

Sexy Natalie Portman uses her hottness to sell perfume. (Drunken Stepfather)

Emily Ratajkowsi shows off her legs and bare midriff and it is good. (Hollywood Tuna)

Selena Gomez‘s cleavage is a wondrous thing. (Popoholic)

Jessica Simpson Is Seriously Leggy And Other Fine Things To Ogle

Jessica Simpson was looking all kinds of leggy and busty in a gold dress. (Hollywood Tuna)

Behold Laura Cremeschi in a tiny bikini! (TMZ)

Katy Perry makes my crotch soar in this seagull bikini. (Huffington Post)

Nicki Minaj shows off her big ol funbags on the set of her new video. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nicole Scherzinger has some killer curves, y’all. (Popoholic)

Say what you want, but Tila Tequila covered topless and preggers is still hot. (The Superficial)

Jacklyn Adalene is a sportscaster. She’s also REALLY hot. (Busted Coverage)

Jessica Simpson Big Mama Boobtastic Out for Pimping Her Scent

Jessica Simpson does not hold back when it comes to working the consumer side of her merchandise empire. No holds barred. Or funbags. The mom and recent wife and queen of all things licensed on the Target shelves has a new perfume out with some name that surely sounds powerful yet feminine, tough yet soft. Something like that. What is mostly definitely powerful yet feminine are Jessica’s major league honkers on display in her advertisement for the on-sale scent. Holy big honkers. Those are some pimping hard giant sized peaches.

There’s no point in questioning Jessica Simpson’s business choices. She’s proven herself to have a nose, and chest, for this type of work. If she believes flashing her mega cans is going to help her sell her fragrance, I am certainly not going to ask her to cover up. I wouldn’t ask her that under any circumstance. Enjoy.

Jessica Simpson Looking Mighty Fine in Her Short Shorts With Her Booty Peeking

We may never get fully back to Daisy Duke in her Daisy Dukes, but Jessica Simpson deserves a solid round of applause for moving from, um, larger new mommy, to MILFtastic hottie in short shorts cruising the airport and flashing some cheeks. Everybody knows the effort she put into it, now, we also get to revel in the visual results.

Jessica Simpson was a once and perhaps now against sextastic celebrity mainstay. Now that she’s forgotten that silly music career and a few too many burgers, we can get back to exulting the hotness that is Jessica Simpson. After all, there is a a reason we all fell in lust with Jessica in the first place. It was not her guitar solos, speaking for myself. Enjoy.

Jessica Simpson, A Little Hammered, A Whole Lotta Cleavetastic Hot

The once and former Jessica Simpson is back again, mommy hot and back in streamline condition thanks to her Weight Watchers commitment. So why not strap on a booby-revealing dress and hit the town for a couple neat and chasers until you love everyone around you. Now that really is the old Jessica Simpson.

Back in the day Jessica was the girl so many young men looked up to to help them become men. She may not have even known it was going on so prevalently, though I suspect she did. C’mon, it wasn’t the amazing singing talents that made Jessica the apple of our eyes. It was her apples themselves. And she sure looked great polishing them up and putting them back out on display for an evening party run. Welcome back, Jessica. We have so missed you. Enjoy.

Jessica Simpson Mighty Mammary Bulging Over Halloween Holiday

Did we actually miss the bodacious cleavage of Jessica Simpson, the pop star turned multimillionaire business woman and mom of I can’t remember how many kids now? Well, we came close. Thankfully, in our final review of the Halloween holiday, we caught sight of the mammarial testaments on the front size of Jessica, out on Halloween on a dress that doesn’t begin to fit her fertile form.

We’re not sure in what  bodily direction Jessica is headed, but she certainly has some strong tools with which to work. Or, you know, open up her own dairy dispensary. Keep on flopping on, Jess. Enjoy.

Egotastic! Breaks Promise to Never Compare Any Fat Celebrity to an Ewok

When I got into this business, I made myself two promises. First, I wasn’t ever going back to jail for stealing women’s panties from a display window at a surprisingly well monitored boutique, guys in for panties theft just don’t do well after lockdown, and, second, I’d never ever compare a fat celebrity to an Ewok. Not that I haven’t had the inkling to do both over the years, but I’ve managed to keep my bond with the man in the mirror.

Now, I’m afraid I’ve been forced to back pedal from that sacred vow, courtesy of the ginormous Jessica Simpson, who is no longer simply measured in inches or feet, but in terms of how many 1970′s era cookie cutter municipal baseball stadiums she comprises. Currently, we’re at Riverfront plus Busch Memorial plus half of Milwaukee County Stadium in terms of girth. Let’s just agree that she’s become a rather large lady.

Anybody within the Sherman Oaks area of Los Angeles of late has spotted the behemoth trolling the various dining facilities along Ventura Boulevard in search of continuous sustenance for what must surely be 12-17 fully-formed fetuses about to be birthed through her dilated mucket.

Over the weekend, Jessica endured the pouring rain to grab BBQ from Boneyard Bistro. Mmm, ribs.

Simple message of caution: do not get between this Ewok and her BBQ, because forty lbs. of nourishment is going down mamas gullet one way or another and you’ll be wanting to keep your legs.