As grandma always said, you can’t trust random assholes on the Internet. She had street smarts, did grandma, and she knew what was up. The web is full of big studly guys pretending to be hot Swedish twins (both of them at once). Spammers sending grammatically and medically questionable promises to enlarge your wang by ten inches. Nigerian princes needing your bank details. Trust no-one.
And especially don’t trust user reviews. Over on Amazon, for instance, I’m often befuddled by several five star and several one star reviews for the same product, offering completely conflicting information. Or just bitching that the delivery was late, and so rating said item way the hell down just for that. It’s all freaking useless, is what I’m driving at.
But hell, sometimes these guys are just having a little fun. Steam reviews are no different, and some for the freshly-released Grand Theft Auto V PC are solid gold. This being the PC edition, there are of course terms like ‘master race’ and ‘console peasants’ being bandied about, but sometimes the community is just amazing.
Kotaku brought us a selection of the best as part of their As Told By Steam Reviews feature. It’s safe to say there are some pissed off spouses in homes across America right about now (“14th year wedding anniversary and I played this all day! It’s that good. Worth being in the doghouse for,” wrote Steam-er Geebeegooner).
Hit the link to check them out.
The console wars continue to rage on. Skirmish after skirmish ensues on the comment section of Youtube, with Xbox One-ers and PS4-ers talking grammatically questionable smack about each others’ games and/or mothers’ weight problems.
PC gamers, meanwhile, give no shits about such things, simply declaring themselves the ‘master race’ and having done with it. After all, there’s no denying that their gaming platform is the beefiest.
The much ballyhooed, where-in-the-name-of-holy-balls-is-it Grand Theft Auto V: PC Edition is going to be something special, then. The game first hit Xbox 360 and PS3, before making the transition to current gen consoles last November. Spangly new as that edition looked, it’s nothing on this.
Behold the PC release running smoother than a very, very smooth thing over at Destructoid.
How long have our PC brethren waited to get their Grand Theft Auto V on? A year and a freaking half, that’s how long. Give or take a couple months of bitching at the Internet. Well, hold on to your butts, because we’re in for a couple more.
Yesterday, Rockstar confirmed March 24 as the new release date. They also gave us the usual BS,
‘Our apologies for the slight shift in the date but the game requires a few extra weeks of testing and polish to make it as good as can be. Moving a release date is never a decision we take lightly and is a choice we make only when we know it is in the best interests of the game and our fans. Thanks everyone for your understanding and we assure you these few extra weeks will be worth it when the game does arrive in March.’
What’s being done with these extra weeks? Our mothereffin’ heists are being added, that’s what. Y’know, the ones we were promised around Christmas 2013. For the PC edition, they’ll be a feature from the start.
As for the rest of us? They’re on the way sometime in the coming weeks. We long thought them a mere rumour, like the Loch Ness Monster or the Yeti or celebrities who can get out of taxis without flashing their cooches to the waiting paparazzo. Much like the PC edition itself. But nil desperandum, Ego-friends. Both are in the offing. For real this time, apparently.
On Christmas 1914, British and German soldiers decided to stop the whole ‘killing each other in the freaking face’ thing they had going on. Briefly. They emerged from the trenches and met in No Man’s Land, to talk, smoke and (presumably) share crackers with shit jokes in. There were even friendly soccer matches between the soldiers.
Soon afterwards, they were back at it again. But with poison gas and other new and improved bastardly ways to kill each other. Nevertheless, for a brief moment, the spirit of the Christmastastic even permeated World War One. A lil’ bit.
A century later, an equally unlikely, equally brief peace erupted in Grand Theft Auto Online. Because sometimes, even the most hardened drug dealers and pimps want to put down their guns and have a good ol’ fashioned snowball fight.
As with last Christmas, heavy snowfall blanketed Los Santos this week. Snowball fights are now possible, and it all looks innocent enough at first glance. In reality, though, they’re as vicious as any bust-up betwixt rival drug gangs. Snowballs deal damage to players, and can also cause probably the most embarrassing death Grand Theft Auto has ever seen. Hit Kotaku for that one.
Were you there for the whole Grand Theft Auto V rollercoaster? Back when Online was first released last year, and was a horrifying buggy shitstorm that crashed and burned because the whole effing world was trying to play the same tutorial level simultaneously?
Then you’ll feel the pain of the GTA extremists. The renegade band of no-goodniks who broke into Rockstar HQ at 4am and shat on the desks because where are our damn heists?
They were among the biggest new features of the fifth game. An entirely new, multi-faceted sort of mission, offering payouts beyond anything the series has offered so far. For many of us, heists were one of the main draws of Grand Theft Auto Online. These are real criminal-mastermind-y tactical jobs, and the chance to try them out in co-op was what we all signed up for.
Since the game became more stable, it’s been unleashing more DLC content than you can shake your wang at. New content packs have brought us additional cars, weapons, missions and gear. Each of them has arrived with a lil’ footnote that heists are still ‘coming soon.’
And now, finally, they’re close enough to smell. Still TBA (early 2015), sure, but there’s a trailer now. Trailers, as we know, mean effing business. Check it out below, courtesy of IGN.
Our ol’ buddies at Rockstar have always known how to do the holidays right.
Last year, the whole of Los Santos was enveloped by snow for a few days. Driving conditions ‘round Grand Theft Auto way were already treacherous enough, what with constant drive-bys and dickish players running down newbies in their tanks, but why not? It looked pretty damn cool.
If you’re going to spend the holdays anywhere, why not right here? Nothing says festive funtimes like crushing someone into highway-jerky with their own car and careening into the sunset with no effs given. So, Grand Theft Auto V, what do you have for us this Christmas?
Another seasonal selection of downloadable extras, naturally. It’s a similar deal to that Independence Day event they had, which offered cut-price explosives and other tools of destruction to all (just like our forefathers wanted). First up is two new weapons, courtesy of Ammunation: the homing launcher and the proximity mine.
If you’re in the market for something a little less deathtacular, why not an extra property? You can now own up to three, and they’ve thrown in a Christmas tree to decorate them with. There are also two big ol’ mothereffin’ beefy man-trucks to add to the vehicle roster, in the shape of the Vapid SlamVan and the Bravado Rat-Truck.
Then there’s the usual crop of clothing and accessory items. You know where they’re going with that. Hit Kotaku for footage of the new content in action.
Remember this time last year? Mexican drug dudes were being arrested, Microsoft were suing everyone’s asses in the ‘Smartphone wars,’ and Miley Cyrus was whipping off her undercrackers to warble her nekkid poptastic craptastic on a wrecking ball. Good times. But even good-erer, Grand Theft Auto V had just hit consoles.
It did so after months of spewing hype from every damn orifice. You couldn’t scratch your ass without a new batch of screens or news titbit getting all up in your business. Trailers, too. Many, many freaking trailers.
As we know, it all paid off, and the game was the kind of sales shitstorm unseen this side of Black Friday. And with the next-gen release approaching (next Tuesday, folks!), the cycle has been repeating. Buckle up, it’s launch trailer o’clock again.
Sure, most of us have cruised around the highways and strip clubs of Los Santos already. But not with this many, y’know, polygons and gigaflops and all those other next-gen technical doohickeys.