If there’s one thing Grand Theft Auto Online loves to do, it’s get seasonal. (If there’s another thing, it’s refuse to give us our freaking heists like the hairy bastards they are, but let’s not get into that right now.) If you ventured onto the streets of Los Santos around Christmas, you’d have seen more damn snow than any Tinseltown replica should experience.
But what of today? Surely Rockstar won’t let the 4th of July –the drunkiest, firework-iest, independence-iest day of the year– go by?
Worry not, gentlemen. While old Queen Lizzie bitches about the fact that she doesn’t own half the damn world any more, here’s what Grand Theft Auto has in store. Today through Sunday, the Independence Day Event Weekend sets in. It offers extra cashtacular and experience, a contest or two, big angry monster trucks for free, and a huge discount on airstrikes. Just as our noble forefathers intended.
For more on this, and the chance to win an amusingly patriotic vanity plate (“AMERICA”), hit Gamespot.
Hipster indeed. As we know, it became hipster to mock hipsters, at which point nobody gave a shit any more. It was all too ironic, and we had to lay down for a while. Nevertheless, any excuse for a new little slice of Grand Theft Auto will do just fine.
So here’s Rockstar again, hawking another installment of Grand Theft Auto Online DLC. Hold on to your asses, it’s the I’m Not a Hipster pack.
As is always the case with these offerings, there are no freaking heists in sight. What we do have here is a selection of new weapons, vehicles and jobs. These include the Antique Cavalry Dagger and Vintage Pistol, and a ‘classic nostalgia ride’ or seven to cruise about in. Best of all –’best’ in the sense of most craptacular– is the Panto Microcar, because huge effing gas-guzzlers are far too mainstream.
Not to mention the hey-look-at-my-balls, oh so snug skinny jeans these guys are so fond of. Yep, all the hipsterish garb you can hope for has been added to the clothing store too.
Hit the Rockstar Newswire for full details on the latest DLC.
Somehow, Los Santos doesn’t strike us as a great place to spend the holidays. Angry drug dealers popping caps in asses, helicopter dogfights in the skies, assholes in tanks ‘pwning’ left and right… none of it screams wholesome family funtimes.
Rockstar have been trying, though. You may have noticed that seasonal snowfall over Christmas, which was quite a novelty in Los Santos. It’s more of a ‘surreptitiously ogling the ladyfolk in their bikinis on the beach’ sort of city, after all. But there it was. The next addition to Grand Theft Auto Online is a salute to Valentine’s Day. Al Capone style.
Whether Valentine’s is a ‘holiday’ or a shady conspiracy from money-grabbing candy manufacturers is debatable. Either way, The Valentine’s Day Massacre Special is bringing some rather spangly new content to the game.
Whether in story mode or online, you’ll have access to the new –and charmingly retro– Gusenburg Sweeper machine gun, and a 1920′s style armored limo to cruise about in. To complete the look, fancy-ass double breasted suits will also be released, and there will be a selection of new jobs across the disciplines to take part in.
Look out for this new content from Friday, and be thankful that the game’s soundtrack isn’t being changed to a creeptastic children-with-adult’s-voices medley from Bugsy Malone.
As we know, Grand Theft Auto Online gave us quite a bumpy ride at launch. A ‘ride-on-a-one-legged-horse-over-a-poorly-ploughed-field’ sort of bumpy. But fear not, because Rockstar have been getting their shit together recently.
The online experience is much smoother, and connection issues aren’t kicking ass all over the place as they were. By way of apology for the earlier wonkiness, the hooker shootin’, drug dealin’ fairy bestowed a gift on us all: half a million Los Santos dollars. Now here’s another little slice of delicious nutritious free stuff: the Beach Bum dlc package.
As Typical Gamer explains above, it arrived yesterday with the latest title update, bringing all manner of beach-themed additions to the game and GTA 5 proper. These will include new missions across the disciplines (survival, races, deathmatches), some frankly shit-tastic new clothing (ballbag-bulge speedos possibly included), vehicles and a couple weapons. The broken bottle is just itching to be thrust into the delicate faces of a crew of angry drug bastards, so what are you waiting for?
Yes indeed. At some point this morning/afternoon (depending upon where you live on the crusty surface of this mad old world of ours), Rockstar dropped another heaping helping of criminal goodness on us. GTA 5 now has its much ballyhooed multiplayer component, Grand Theft Auto Online.
That is to say, it would have, if it wasn’t utterly ‘effed. Even Grandma Egotastic could have told you that the first day of online on this scale would be rather… problematic, and the only thing she knows about servers is that they aren’t edible. So suffice it to say that, should you make it into the game at all, it’s like a glitches, freezes and other weirdness party, and everyone’s invited.
But when Online does get its shit together, it is quite the phenomenal experience. This is Los Santos at its expansive, do whatever in holy hell you want best, now with up to sixteen simultaneous players per ‘session.’ All of the activities are available in multiplayer, as are the impromptu ones. Whether you want to play a simple game of tennis with an old dude from Venezuela, or have a badass helicopter dogfight with your drunk friend Hobo Joe, you have at it.
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